Jun 12

We’re not doing too well out here. Not well at all. Those of us who are prairie-dwellers turned New Englanders are currently the equivalent of a fatal case of dishpan hands. We can’t take any more cool and rain and wet and rain and clouds and more and more clouds and rain or any combination of moisture-producing weather systems. We can’t go so long without the sun!  It’s inhumane! It’s barbaric! How do New Englanders live like this?

We have been asked how we deal with the frigid Saskatchewan winters. The answer is simple: the sun can trick you into believing anything is survivable. Even -50 windchill and snow drifts higher than your car.  On the other hand, continuous cloud cover with frequent rain makes even the most lovely locale feel unbearable and unwaveringly dreary.

What’s worse is that the five day forecast changes every single day. Every. Single. Day. the forecast predicts several days of rain/cloud/cool weather followed by Joyous! Sunshine! and Angels Singing! But EVERY DAY the forecast changes to include one more day of yuck. So we never actually reach the promised carrot on the end of the stick, pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, facking sunshine and heat!!!! I am ready to throw myself off the upstairs balcony into the ocean if I see one more computer generated raincloud.

Whoever came up with this diabolical weather forecast clearly has a mission to purge New England of all but the pure English race. Only those who are native English folks and their descendants could be expected to put up with this sadistic weather for weeks on end without beginning to feel violent or plotting a permanent move to a better climate. Even Saskatchewan has pleasant summers to make up for nasty winters. WHERE IS YOUR SUMMER NEW ENGLAND??? WHERE IS THE SUN???? WHERE???????

If anyone is looking for me, I’ll be here, drying my damp hair by the warmth of my computer and weeping into the keyboard.

Jan 10

It was another day, another virus around here this week. Luckily all that is past. For the moment. 

Here’s the thing about being sick when you’re married to a person who never gets sick: you feel like a giant, whiny baby all the time. Which is not so far from the truth because  if you know me, you know I’m kind of a sissy. But what is also true is that my immune system is a bit of a pansy, too. And the hubby’s immune system is a bad-ass, muscle-bound tough guy so he almost never has so much as a sniffle. 

The thing about being the pantywaist around here is that I always suspect that the hubby thinks I’m exaggerating how rotten I feel or that I’m whining excessively. Which – let’s be honest – I probably am. Because I’m nothing if not…er…VERBAL about my discomfort.

But it SUCKS to be the one who is always down with some plague or another because it makes it look and feel like there it something intrinsically faulty with my system which would be a reasonable assumption next to a normal person. But next to me, my husband looks like a damn robot! A robot that is unsuccessfully trying to understand the mysterious human phenomenon of illness and how to behave around a sick human. So I have devised this short list of gentle reminders for dealing with a sickie like myself, because I’m helpful like that:

Shannon’s Guide for Superhuman Robots Tending To Weak, Sick Humans

1. Never, under any circumstances, question the validity of a sickie’s complaints. It won’t get you anywhere. Trust me. Whether physical or mental real or imagined, we are sick.

2. Don’t suggest that a sickie exercise or go out for a walk in order to boost their energy level. The best prescription for the recovery of good attitude health is wallowing rest, lots of TV liquids, and a healthy dose of comfort food loving support.

3. If you are attempting to assist a sickie by preparing a meal, do not ask said sickie what you should make! This is a serious faux pas! The idea is to get the masses fed, whether that means a sandwich or a opening a can of soup. It doesn’t have to be gourmet.

4. Indulge the sickie’s whining. If it’s too annoying, just try to block it out and persevere until it passes. If you have it in you, try to baby the sickie. Soothing back rubs or sympathetic nodding and a quiet environment are good. Be encouraging and empathetic. And if you can’t do that, BE QUIET.

5. Be thankful for your superior immune system! No, seriously, THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS that you’re not like us weaklings who are felled by every virus that comes our way. Your gratitude could translate into more compassion for those aren’t as strong as you are, you lucky bastard!

Dec 4

In case you didn’t know? Flu shots that get delivered straight into the muscles on your upper arm/shoulder can render you completely helpless as your muscles turn into a big ball of OWOWOWDAMMITOW within hours. And FYI, if you get another shot delivered into the other shoulder muscles at the same time by a nurse with point to make you will be lying on the couch in the fetal position in the near future. Prepare yourself.