Nov 7

Here’s a little piece of free advice for all of you. No charge, just a product of my vast and varied wisdom. Ok, there’s not that much of it. But one thing I DO know about it being sleep deprived after a new baby. Our first child did not sleep well or long til she was close to a year old. That’s not to say she wouldn’t GO to sleep. She just wouldn’t STAY THAT WAY. So even though we were willing to be tough and let her cry it out, it didn’t help when she woke up over and over in the night and fussed all day long, wanting to be swaddled and bounced non-stop. So here is the all time worst thing you can say to a sleep-deprived mother of a newborn:

You need to try and reduce your anxiety and stress. The baby can sense when you are stressed out and that will make them sleep worse.

I had one or two people tell me this in the middle of our colic months when I was one big ball of hysterical, stressed-out, nervous energy.  You want to talk about insensitive?  The translation of that nugget of wisdom is basically “You are a bad, bad mother for feeling the way you do and it is your fault that your baby is unhappy.” Try “reducing your stress” when you are suffering under that kind of guilt.

Her Bad Mother has been posting about her son’s sleep struggles and reading her words almost makes me feel ill, just remembering how hard those months were.  Many commenters had good ideas and suggestions and many just expressed solidarity. Many of us have been there. But of course, there was one who had to say IT.  And while I don’t feel it’s my place to rant on someone else’s blog about my issues with this comment, I clearly feel free to do so here!

Some babies just take longer to adjust to life outside the womb and while it may be true, in some small sense, that a stressed-out mother can contribute to an infant’s sleep issues (although unless the mother is walking around shrieking and throwing her infant around in postpartum madness I can’t believe that it is that significant), telling a woman that her fussy baby is caused by her stress is just plain wrong. In no way does it help. A mother KNOWS she should reduce her stress, for her own sake, if not the baby’s. A mother WANTS to reduce her stress. Does anyone really think people ENJOY that kind of tension? You may believe it, you may think it, you may even say it to others, but saying it to a tired mother only makes you an asshole.

So here are my top suggestions for helping a mother suffering from sleep deprivation. Keep in mind that you need to be aware of individual women’s personalities. Not everyone wants or needs the same things.

1. Ask her what she wants or needs and try to find a way to give it to her. (Ie. If she needs and wants a night of uninterrupted sleep and it’s in your power to do so, then go for it! If she isn’t comfortable forgoing breastfeeding for a whole night, but needs some good naps to help her catch up, see 2.)

2. Don’t offer to come over and watch the baby while she naps. Instead, offer to pick up the baby and keep him/her at your house (or have mom drop off the baby) so mom can sleep at home in peace and quiet.  If the baby is in the same house chances are good that mom will not sleep restfully, if at all. We have become hyper-sensitive to noise and hear every little squawk, even if it’s not an angry howl. We need to be alone to really sleep. If you have time to do this regularly (every day, every week, whatever), do so.

3.  Depending on the person, do the little things that cheer them up and make them happy. Call her on the phone, take her out for coffee, bring her a little gift, send her a card, make a meal and bring it to her home (even better if it’s something that can be frozen and reheated), take her older kids out for a few hours.

4. Help create ways for her to do the things that feed her soul – babysit while she gets a manicure, or reads a book at her favourite coffee shop or goes to the gym. Invite her to go for a walk in the park.

5. If you ask if there’s anything you can do and she says she’s fine but you’re sure she’s not, go ahead and do something! Don’t wait for her to ask. Ask her what day you can babysit or bring her dinner. Not everyone feels comfortable asking for help. I had lots of people offer to babysit or “help out” but many times I was unsure how serious they were or whether they were just being polite. I often felt that if I had actually called them up and asked for their help it would be awkward.  A tired and stressed out mother needs you to take the initiative. If you have practical ways to help, don’t wait to be asked. Just make sure the things you do will not create more work or stress for her.

6. Most importantly, encourage her! There is nothing like exhaustion to make you doubt your ability to parent a squalling infant whose wails you can’t help but take personally and who you increasingly resent.  A mother is incredibly vulnerable in these days, weeks and months (another reason why telling her to just reduce her stress is like a slap in the face). She doesn’t need to hear judgement or empty offers of help. What she needs to hear is that she’s doing a great job. She needs to hear that her baby is doing fine, even if he or she cries all the time. She needs to hear that her best is good enough. She needs to hear that she is a champ for sticking with it and not giving up. She needs to hear that you believe in her and that you see her struggles. She needs affirmation and support.  Some words are needlessly painful. But the right words can go a long way to healing the pain caused by clumsy and insensitive words of people who don’t consider the importance of their words.

Mar 28

So here we are, a month since Kieran was first diagnosed with an ear infection and he’s still not better.  He is now taking a third antibiotic and the doctor says if this doesn’t work he will have to see the Ear/Nose/Throat specialist, possibly to get tubes put in his ears.  This really doesn’t concern me.  I just want him to get over the infection so he can hear properly. This is such a crucial time for figuring out sounds and if he can’t hear well it could seriously affect his speech development. 

On the up side the kids have been been trying to kill me starting the day at 5:30am.  If by “up” you mean “waking”.  Because that’s really all I can say about that without cursing.  We think Avery might be developing allergies because she seems to have a runny nose that won’t go away and it seems to get worse at night when she was sleeping on a feather pillow and under a down comforter. I am going to make some changes in her sleeping environment and see if that improves things.  But it would seem that she may have inherited her father’s sensitivity to…well…everything.  Allergies suck.  For the allergy sufferers, sure. But don’t think that the families of allergy sufferers don’t also suffer! We have to put up with the sniffling and snoring and general crankiness, too.  And Avery has DEFINITELY developed a case of the grumpies.  She is so cranky these days. I don’t know if it’s because of this possible allergy, or the fact that she’s waking up so freaking early that she’s tired, or if it’s just the three-year-old-crazies.  But some days she is more belligerent than a teenager.  She’s also started lying. Unfortunately (for her) she’s not very good at it. So she gets caught.  This results in punishment. Which increases the moping and moaning and general gnashing of teeth and rending of garments. 

Example:  Avery is not allowed to get up until the digital clock in her room says 6:00am.  (What she doesn’t know is that the clock has accidentally been set back by half an hour.)  This morning she comes out and tells me that her clock says “6″ and she wants to get up. I, knowing that the clock does NOT say “6″, say “Let’s go check and see what time it says.”  Avery scurries ahead of me to her room, covers the numbers with her hand and says “No! Don’t look Mommy!  It’s a secret!”  Secret, my ass!  I set the damn clock. I think I know what time it says!  This child will never work for any kind of secret intelligence agency!

Mar 23
NO

My son is disgusted by my apparent reluctance to let him stick his fingers up my nose.  I’m all for exploration and discovery but this crosses the line.

With the advent of mobility, the word “NO” has been making a comeback in our household. Unfortunately, Kieran just looks at me curiously when I say “no”.  He doesn’t get it.  And he enjoys the reaction he gets when I’m shrieking “NO!  Don’t stick your hand in the VCR!  NO!  Don’t eat that dirt!!!”  and he continues doing whatever he is doing.  This is a hard stage. But his little bum-scootching-crawl is pretty cute. He’s been sleeping a little better which has been really nice.  But I’m sure getting tired of giving him antibiotics. It’s a huge pain in the rear.

Mar 21

This describes my life of late as much as Kieran’s.  We are into our second round of antibiotics for an ear infection that just isn’t going away.  I am out of patience and so tired.  I hope it works this time.  It’s a good thing this kid is cute.  Because he can’t hear very well with all the fluid in his ears so he is yelling ALL. THE. TIME.  Even his happy sounds are reach a volume that is liable to make my ears bleed.

Feb 27

I was looking at old pictures on Flickr and was just amazed at how this

has become this

in such a short time.  He’ll be nine months on Thursday.  Wow.  And still sleeping terribly.  Yes.  I remember Avery sleeping badly but I think by this age she had settled into a reasonably good sleeping pattern. KIeran seems much more resistant to that idea.  I am really running low on energy.  The whole experience is wearing me out.  It’s not so much that I get so little sleep, because I go to bed quite early.  But being woken up over and over makes it like having a newborn again.  And no one is meant to deal with a newborn for nine months straight!  But I continue to look ahead and hope for better nights in the future. 

As for the future, it could be very different from our life right now.  I won’t blog all about it right now but I think most of you know what is involved.  I am alternately very excited and totally stressed. 

And in closing, a joke, as told by Avery:  Why did the chicken cross the road?  Because it was stuck to the chicken’s foot! (This being the answer to Why did the GUM cross the road?  She mixes them up.  But she still thinks it’s funny enough to tell over and over again.)

Feb 18

The “child that never sleeps” has finally cut his top two teeth which is fantastic.  However he is, as his name suggests, still NOT SLEEPING.  Driving me a little bit crazy. And so, in the spirit of discontentment which is my life right now, I offer up some links about motherhood and how sometimes it is not fulfilling and how mommies are often not as cool as we want to be.

Feb 14

…like TWELVE AND A HALF hours of uninterrupted sleep at night!!!  My son is a terrible napper but last night was awesome.  Happy Valentine’s Day to me. :)

Feb 13

 Ahhhh! There’s nothing like a refreshing two hour nap hour of lying in your crib and crying. Sleep is for those weak bastards who don’t have the stamina to cry for an hour!

Feb 1

Happy eight months Kieran!  This child set a personal record for sleep last night by sleeping 11.5 hours without waking up once!!! I know, it’s hard to believe this is the same child I’ve been bitching about.  Anyway, tonight will probably suck, just to make up for it.  But it was nice while it lasted.  And I can always hope that he’s turning over a new leaf!

Jan 8

Dear Son,

Please believe me when I tell you that your ears are permanently attached to your head (unless you do something extremely dangerous or stupid in your adolescence. In which case, don’t expect me to feel sorry for you!).  No matter how much time and energy you invest in trying to rip these annoying flaps of skin and cartilege from your head, I doubt your little chubby arms have enough strength to remove them. If this obsession continues as you get older you may eventually reach the point where you are strong enough to physically tear them off. If they bother you that much, go ahead. 

Seriously, what’s with the eczema? I slather you in vaseline at least once a day like a fat, little Christmas turkey ready for the oven.  And still the eczema is back by the next morning.  I’d say my hands have never been softer but I have to wash them so often with all the diaper changing that they are still dry and chapped.

Speaking of diaper changing, I was not pleased with your behaviour this morning as I put my face down level with your little tushy and gently blew on your backside because you have a wicked diaper rash and I thought it would feel good and also help things to dry out down there.  I barely missed a proverbial “shower of blessings” which would have hit me sqaurely between the eyes.  Good try. Better luck next time. Although you giggled as though you had played the practical joke of the century!

Then there’s this whole eating thing.  Last night I witnessed one of your peers, just a few weeks older than you being fed by her mother with a spoon like she was born ordering the soup of the day. She opened her mouth when the spoon came near and actually kept it open until it had deposited it’s contents in her mouth.  This is in contrast to you, who opens and closes your mouth at random and almost always succeeds in closing your mouth just as we shove the spoon in there, ensuring that the food ends up on your face instead of down your gullet.  What’s the deal???

And finally, there’s the sleep issue.  You may not believe this, but parents actually need quite a bit of sleep.  If we run up too much of a sleep debt we are liable to throw children in front of moving vehicles or give them sharp knives to play with. Just kidding. I would never let you play with knives.  But really.  We. Are. Tired.  I know it’s something of a mystery why your sister can’t just quietly get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of the night but must announce said event with much weeping and gnashing of teeth.  I’m sure she wakes you up a fair amount right now with that. Or by asking for breakfast at 2am.  Or by crying because she can’t find any one of her sixteen thousand comfort objects which are all lying right beside her in bed.  Your father has promised me that the two of you will adjust to each other and, in time, you won’t even hear each other.  If this fails to be true, you and I can file a class action suit together.  But for now, how about just sleeping for more than 3 or 4 hours?  You’re doing great with sleeping unswaddled.  Now you just need to increase your endurance. 

Love,
your tired and grumpy Mommy

PS – If you could not scream like the flesh is melting off your face when we wash your face after a meal that would be great.  Thanks.

« Previous Entries