Oct 7

The scene: Two intellectually challenged adults, one man and one woman, are on an outing with another adult who seems to be a care worker of some kind. They are enjoying a lunch at the Golden Arches while Kieran and I dine nearby. The chaperone leaves the table for a minute and in his absence this dialogue takes place…

Intellectually Challenged Man: *BUUUUUURRRRP!!!*

Blind and Intellectually Challenged Woman: What do you say Richard?

Man: …

Man: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Woman: -no! That’s not-

Man: *BURRRRP!!!*…HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Scene repeats several times.

**********************************************************

That’s got to be one of the most rewarding things about working with disabled people. The lack of inhibition can result in some hilarious situations.  I’ve been snickering about it all day and next time I feel the need to belch I’m totally going to shout “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”.

May 8

Just a little something I found positively hilarious. Enjoy.

Alternate Link without ads

Mar 20

To settle a discussion between a friend and I who have differing opinions on the subject… LOST watchers, please weigh in…

Question: Which of the following LOST couples has the most chemistry?

a) Jack & Kate

b) Kate & Sawyer

c) Sawyer & Juliet

Discuss!

Jan 17

I’m blatantly stealing borrowing Rude Cactus‘ “weeklies” post format (Hi Chris! Sorry about the plagiarism!). Yeah, my well of original ideas ran dry a loooong time ago and now I am resorting to stealing borrowing.

The weekly bad food idea: caramel dipping sauce with apple slices at McDonalds. While I love  that my kids can get apple slices with their meals instead of fries, I question why caramel dipping sauce is necessary for apples. Yes, I know it tastes sugary good. But seriously, ketchup is bad enough, does McDonalds really want to punish parents with sticky, messy caramel? 

The weekly annoying traffic habits: not signalling. In the area where I live it is extremely common for drivers not to signal when they are turning (left or right, changing lanes) and it is frequently annoying. Also, it is very common for a person to turn left as soon as the light turns green, rather than waiting for the oncoming traffic to drive straight through. Sometimes several vehicles will turn through oncoming traffic, causing the oncoming traffic to have to wait. I think it is incredibly obnoxious but when I’ve thrown my hands up in protest the reaction from the opposing drivers is less than apologetic.

The weekly poor fashion choice: not wearing mittens. Every day this week I was the bad mom who didn’t send my kid to school with a hat, scarf and mittens. I am trying to play it like we are just badass Canadians who are too tough to wear appropriate warm enough clothing but really I’m just a bad mom and my kids and I stand around being cold, our shattering teeth announcing to the world that my children have an irresponsible mother.

The weekly bad mental space: it’s decision making time again! We are once again discussing the various pros and cons of a major decision that will affect our family in a major way and there just doesn’t seem to be an obvious winner at this point. My brain is basically melting out my ears at this point with the pressure. I even made a list of pros and cons! I’ve never felt I needed to do that before in my life and wouldn’t you know it, it didn’t help ONE EFFING BIT. So if you’re looking for me, I’ll be hiding from my husband so as to avoid making any life-altering decisions wherein I’m sure to make the WRONG CHOICE.

The weekly I-get-no-respect-around-here moment: birds. Birds are getting credit for my hard work, if you can believe that. Nearly every meal or snack begins with my 2.5 year old asking me “birds make it?” and me responding “No, the birds did not make your snack,” to which he replies “Mama make it?”.  I ask you, WHY AM I THE SECOND CHOICE IN THIS SCENARIO????  And where did my son get the idea that birds are cooking his dinner every day? And why does he ask me if a bird made his snack when he just watched me put it together? Is there some reality in which birds do cooking and cleaning? Because if there is…SIGN ME UP!

Dec 23

Many of you have asked to see the picture of my daughter’s teacher daughter with Santa and I just wanted to say that it is coming. After a short trip out of state I am now at home with family visiting for the holidays and posting may continue to be sparse for a bit. Back to your regularly scheduled blog reading soon!

Dec 10

It’s time for a bullet post. Sorry. If you don’t like it you can come back another day! 

  • I think I have the only five year old in THE WORLD who is afraid of Santa. I know, I know, just weeks ago I was saying she’s about to blow the lid off the whole Santa story. But she seems to have embraced her belief for the time being and that belief includes sheer terror at the thought of the Jolly Old Elf. When she was 2 and 3 years old this terror made a little more sense. But at five I thought we would be able to reason through the whole thing a little better. When I was a child I had my picture taken on Santa’s lap every year from birth to maybe 8 or 9 years old. But I have not been able to convince my daughter to sit on Santa’s lap one. single. time.  This year her school (for some bizarre reason) had a Santa come to the school and the kids were allowed to have pictures taken with him. Avery told me she most definitely did NOT want to do this. No matter how much we discussed it, tried to assuage her fears, and tried to figure out just what kind of unholy atrocities she expected to experience while sitting on the lap of a mythical gift-bringing creature, she would not give in. So I wrote a note to her teacher explaining her apprehension and that she was not to be traumatized by standing beside Santa for a picture unless she changed her mind. Well, bless the teacher’s heart, when Avery’s turn came, she held her hand and walked her up to Santa and even stood with her. So I’m not sure if we’re going to be sent home a picture of our daughter’s kindergarten teacher or if she jumped out at the last second. But either way, it’s a small victory for confidence!
  • Age two has descended upon our household with the vengeance of a…well… a rabid, drooling two year old. Where two year old equals screaming defiance, stubborn refusal to let sustenance pass his delicate lips, stamping, time-outs, shrieking, climbing, hysterical wailing with a healthy second helping of OMG THE STUBBORNNESS! 
  • Today I helped with a PTA fundraiser at Avery’s school which mostly involved wrapping dollar-store presents that the kids were purchasing for family. Can I just say that a two foot long back scratcher is a bitch to wrap!!! And I had the distinct pleasure of wrapping at least a dozen of them. Also? Five year olds have NO CONCEPT of buying gifts for anyone other than themselves, the little narcissists. I can’t tell you how many kids the adults had to gently explain that they had not been given ten bucks to blow on themselves, but to buy for their family members. And still, almost every one of the little narcissists came through the “check-out” with something for him/herself. Five year olds are also utterly incapable of any real thought regarding appropriate gifts for people. To my family coming for Christmas: be prepared to smile in appreciation for pencils that say “#1 Teacher”!
  • It is a fact that if I walk into a salon I will ALWAYS get the stylist who I deem to have the worst haircut/style and will therefore, in my mind, give me a bad haircut/style. But sometimes I am lucky enough to be wrong and get a sweet cut by a large, Hungarian woman with a rat’s nest on her head.
  • Starting tomorrow I will have houseguests every day for the next 18 days except for the 3 days we will be gone on a short vacation. So posting may be a bit sporadic while I’m busy entertaining drinking partying overeating celebrating. Happy Holidays!
Oct 24

Oy. I have been meaning to write all week! But what with the very serious business of having coffee breaks and sitting around girl-talking and shopping…well, there just aren’t enough hours in the day! We have two years of face-to-face time to make up for!

Major moment of the week: My daughter told her auntie (my visiting best friend) that she KISSED A BOY IN HER CLASS!!!  I suspect this is the first of many moments when I lament that this is exactly the kind of thing you don’t tell your mom. And then I may have shed a tear or two. Because really? She’s chasing and kissing boys in he class? I was so NOT that kid. And she is so much like me that I expect her to be exactly like me. But she is that kid. So we had to have a talk about personal boundaries and the appropriate amount of contact between classmates. And NOT KISSING ANYMORE BOYS UNTIL SHE’S 45.  

More on this later. I’ll be back soon. Cheers!

Sep 10

FYI: If you happen to have recently purchased a rocking pair of super cute ballet flats you need to be patient while breaking them in. Start with short periods of wear and gradually work your way up to a longer amount of time until you can finally wear them all day without discomfort.  

Or you could wear them for the 1.2 mile walk to and from your daughter’s school first thing in the morning. This will result in quarter sized blisters on each baby toes plus a couple on your heels for good measure, thus ensuring that you will not be wearing the adorable new shoes for quite some time. Damn it.

I officially designate September the month of the flip flop, since that’s all I’ll be able to wear for at least two weeks while my feet heal.

*************************************************************************

I’ve officially been waterworked, just like Anne Nahm, who I love.

I seriously don’t get some people or why they act like complete and total jackasses. But yesterday I had my first taste of the Asshole Parent Smackdown.

When I was dropping off Avery for school another parent started chatting with us about kindergarten and immediately asked which class Avery is in. I told her we were in Mrs. B’s class and… you know what’s coming right?  She immediately launches into a diatribe about Mrs. M and how it was just too bad that we didn’t get Mrs. M who is wonderful and fabulous and got a teach-of-the-year award and who shoots rainbows out of her backside.  

All in front of my daughter.

I was appalled at her complete lack of courtesy! Who puts down a little kid’s KINDERGARTEN TEACHER in front of the child????

Never mind the fact that we had no choice of teachers. Or the fact that I wouldn’t have known which teacher is “better” since we just moved to town. Or the fact that I might not even agree with YOUR evaluation. Or that I can’t change classes now, even if I wanted to. Or that you scoring a supposedly better teacher is in no way a reflection of your superiority as a person.

I tried to salvage the conversation by enthusiastically gushing “Well! We are already SUCH BIG FANS of Mrs. B, aren’t we Avery?! Avery is just LOVING her class!”

My comment didn’t even register. The woman just continued to babble about Mrs. M and then proceeded to say that Mrs. B lacks patience! In front of my kid! Seriously! Who does that? 

Here’s hoping that they teach manners in kindergarten. Maybe the kids can explain to their parents how to interact politely with the other mommies and daddies. Or at least how not to be a judgemental asshole.  Kindergarten is all about LIFE SKILLS, people!

Sep 3

Guess who has just been unwittingly enrolled in a rather intensive Lose Weight Exercise program? Oh…that would be me! The new owner renter of a house at the beach and eleventy million pretty stairs!  Guess who hasn’t lived in a multi-level house in a while? Hello, that would be me again!

Our garage is at street level so we have to climb a dozen steps to get to our front door and there are about 15 steps between the first and second floors.  Do you know how many times a day I go up and down those steps? Enough to constitute an Lose Weight Exercise program, that’s how many.

If you’re looking for me, I’ll be the one with sand in my teeth and the sweet, muscular calves.

Aug 21

What I’d like to know is what does this say about the reliability of eye witness testimony?

« Previous Entries