Things that have been making me feel good lately:

• Some lovely quotes…

To laugh often, to win the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of fast friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch…to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. -Emerson

“When it comes to understanding others,” I said, “we rarely tax our imaginations.” - Lawrence Hill (in The Book of Negroes)

• Tim Minchin…

• Homemade caramel corn from Buns In My Oven which is possibly the best thing to happen to me since…well, it’s possibly the best thing to happen to me ever. (Sorry, the hubby.)
• The fact that our public library system is about to get rid of late fees on children’s books ENTIRELY. Suckers! Ah-hem…I mean…I will definitely continue to conscientiously return our books on time.

bullets, laughs, quotes, recipes | 2 Comments »

I’ve been thinking about The Wizard of Oz ever since it came up the other day. Even before posting about it I have been reading it to my five year old so it was on the brain.

As a child I read and reread several of the “Oz” books, but somehow never picked up the first in the series and only just now realized there are thirteen sequels to the book! My main reason for not reading the original story was mostly because I’d seen the movie eleventy kajillion times and thought I would be bored. I had forgotten how much I adore L. Frank Baum’s style. There is something totally whimsical and enchanting about his stories and the writing is witty and wonderfully entertaining.  

“Tell me something about yourself, and the country you came from,” said the Scarecrow, when she had finished her dinner. So she told him all aout Kansas, and how grey evertything was there, and how the cyclone had carried her to this queer Land of Oz.

The Scarecrow listened carefully, and said, “I cannot understnad why you should wish to leave this beautiful country and go back to the dry, grey place you call Kansas.”

“That is because you have no brains,” answered the girl. “No matter how dreary and grey our homes are, we people of flesh and blood would rather live there than in any other country, be it ever so beautiful. There is no place like home.”

The Scarecrow sighed

“Of course I cannot understand it,” he said. “If your heads were stuffed with straw, like mine, you would probably all live in the beautiful places, and then Kansas would have no people at all. It is fortunate for Kansas that you have brains.”

                                -L. Frank Baum, The Wizard of Oz

books, quotes | 1 Comment »

We’re back from our holiday to New Hampshire which was everything a short family trip should be: relaxing and fun.  There are things to complain about tell but that can wait for tomorrow. Today, being Veterans Day here in the USA and Remembrance Day in Canada, calls for a more sombre and reflective mood. 

Being in the USA today means I haven’t seen anyone wearing poppies and I haven’t yet hear a recitation of In Flanders Fields (a poem written by a Canadian soldier during the First World War, traditionally recited on Remembrance Day in Canada) so I decided this year I would have to do it myself.

American holidays, Canadian holidays, life and death, quotes | No Comments »

Ok, I know I’m probably totally pathetic but I was listening to the radio the other day and these lyrics totally made me cry. I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic.

I read a note my grandma wrote
Back in 1923
Grandpa kept it in his coat
and he showed it once to me

He said Boy, you might not understand
But a long, long time ago
Grandma’s Daddy didn’t like me none
But I loved your Grandma so

We had this crazy plan to meet and run away together
Get married in the first town we came to and live forever
But nailed ot the tree where we were supposed to meet instead
I found this letter and this is what it said:

If you get there before I do
Don’t give up on me
I’ll meet you when my chores are through
I don’t know how long I’ll be
But I’m not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
and between now and then
Until i see you again
I’ll be lovin’ you

Love, me

And between now and then
until I see you again
I’ll be lovin’ you

Love, me

See? Now wasn’t that just the sweetest thing ever?  You’re glad you read it, aren’t you?

quotes | No Comments »

This quote is from Rob Bell’s most recent book called Sex God.  I am not currently reading it but a friend is reading it and writing about it on his blog.  I find this little snippet strikes right to the heart of many issues that we deal with as humans, be it sex, eating, alcohol, drugs, money and so many other things.  Denial vs. Indulgence.  Why do we find it so hard to live in between the two extremes?

“In reaction to denial, people often head to the other end of the spectrum, which is indulgence. The pendulum swings. But we were created to live in the tension. And when you lose the tension, you lose something central to what it means to be human.”

quotes, spirituality | 1 Comment »

Here’s a wee quote from a blog I read that’s been kicking around in my head today:

Witnessing is what I was taught to do – to evangelize and tell people about Jesus. Witnessing assumes a fundamental chasm between yourself (as the one with all the knowledge and insight) and them (who need converting.)

The author goes on to distinguish between “witness” and “with-ness”, the latter being the simple act of being with people and being connected to each other. We should not allowing the narrowness of our North American experience to make us think we are better or smarter or holier than those who are poor or neglected in this world.  Withness is about simple caring and compassion. Not about me imparting my “vast wisdom and knowledge of spiritual things” to someone who I believe knows nothing of spiritual things.

We are mistaken if we think that Christians are the only spiritual people in the world. Or that there is no truth in the spirituality of other people in the world.  Truth is everywhere. And wherever truth is, we can all claim it. This is a little nugget I picked up from Velvet Elvis.  I have a post coming on that yet. 

books, quotes, spirituality | 2 Comments »

Can I be smart and believe in God?  Is it reasonable? Is it rational?  Is it logical?  These are some of the questions that have been floating around my head in recent months.  If you are entrenched in the evangelical church I expect your answer to these questions is a resounding “yes”.  We have been taught to justify our faith in God by logic that is often flawed. For example “We know God exists because he SAYS he exists in the Bible.”   This reasoning is simplistic and circular.  It doesn’t prove anything. 

When it comes down to it, I suppose it’s really not the existence of God that I am questioning. I really do believe it is reasonable to believe in a God.  I also believe it is reasonable to attribute certain qualities to God.  What I am questioning is the Christian God, the authority of the Bible in terms of a relevant text to modern life and in the ways that it appears to contradict science.  I am also troubled by the Christian rhetoric and the way it is used to manipulate and evoke emotions, both positive and negative. 

How do you know a God that appears to be unknowable?  Many would say that might be evidence that such a God does not exist.  My husband and I have spent a lot of time discussing the holes in the faith we were both raised with.  I’m finding it troubling because, although I find it easy to hold my theology loosely and allow for changes, I am struggling with how I can continue to fit into a community in which I disagree with so much of what they teach and the way in which it is taught. 

I think there are so many wonderful things about faith communities, including inter-generational relationships, a support net to help in difficult times, friends who are life-long and committed to living the way of Jesus (which, no matter my questions about who Jesus is or was, I am still convinced that the principles he taught are the best way to live).  But I am frequently feeling that I am living a lie.  I know and understand the reasoning behind much of the Christian rhetoric and I suppose I could argue or try to point out the flaws but taking on that task sounds exhausting and a bit malicious at times.  I don’t want to go around arguing with friends and family, trying to prove people wrong. I think we spend far too much time trying be right.  It’s a waste of time. 

The hubby and I have discussed the adage “It all comes down to faith.  You could have all the evidence in the world and still not believe.”  I think we have come to the conclusion that this is not really true.  When ample evidence is provided most people are convinced.  The ones who aren’t convinced are the ones who are determined to interpret the evidence in their own way.  Just look at the way most of the Christian community has disregarded scientific research about evolution.  Yes, this is a very touchy subject.  Why is that?  Perhaps because if evolution were to be proved, beyond a doubt, then Christians would have to reevaluate their belief in a literal Adam and Eve as the first humans and also the doctrine of original sin.  It would throw a huge wrench into the theology of most Christian denominations.  But really, is it wrong to want some evidence?  I don’t know.  I want God to be real to me in a tangible way.  Not the fruity emotions and inspirations that many Christians seem to have so often.  I don’t mean to insult them. I just want more.

Anyway, I am struggling through this and I have a list of books that I want to read as I try to figure out where I stand in terms of my theology.  I am currently reading Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell, which has been kind of a trendy book in Christian circles, which is maybe why I have avoided it this long, but I am finding it so good and it speaks to exactly where I am at.  I am also hoping to read The Probability of God: a Simple Calculation that Proves the Ultimate Truth by Dr. Stephen Unwin (which sounds like it was written by an extreme right-wing fundamentalist, but actually isn’t. Dr. Unwin is an actual scientist and scholar, from what I understand.), Why Christianity Must Change or Die and Rescuing the Bible from Fundamentalism by Bishop John Spong and Reimagining Christianity:  Reconnect Your Spirit Without Disconnecting Your Mind by Alan Jones.  I have high hopes for these books and it may take me quite a while to work through them because I read non-fiction really slowly. But I am looking forward to working through them and hoping that there is some way to salvage my faith from the crumbling structure of “Christianity”.

Rob Bell has ignited some hope in me by these words:

The Christian faith is mysterious to the core. It is about things and beings that ultimately can’t be put into words.  Language fails.  And if we do definitively put God into words, we have at that very moment made God something God is not….True mystery, the kind of mystery rooted in the infinite nature of God, gives us answers that actually plunge us into even more questions….The very nature of the orthodox Christian faith is that we never come to the end.  It begs for more. More discussion, more inquiry, more debate, more questions.  It’s not so much that the Christian faith has a lot of paradoxes.  It’s that it is a lot of paradoxes.  And we cannot resolve a paradox.  We have to let it be what it is.  Being a Christian then is more about celebrating mystery than conquering it.  (From Velvet Elvis)

Celebrating the mystery.  I am ok with that.  I can live with a paradox.  Many people can’t, and I respect that.  But I’d rather see a paradox and say “I can’t explain that and that’s ok”, than be told that it is something it isn’t and have people use spiritual language to explain it away.  So I’m going to travel this path slowly and not try to resolve everything quickly because I’m uncomfortable with where I’m at.  It’s just more gray.  That’s why I’ve called this blog Living in the Gray, because I don’t ever expect to return to a world of black and white.  And I’m ok with that.

living in the gray, quotes, spirituality | 6 Comments »

I recently stumbled upon a little book called “If” by a woman named Amy Carmichael who served as a missionary in India.  In my Briercrest Days I read her biography and wrote  a paper on it. 

I expected the book to be boring but it stands out in my mind as one of the more interesting and inspiring papers I wrote in my time at the college because this woman was an inspiration. Although I probably wouldn’t agree with all of her theology, I absolutely find her unselfish and truly humble attitude something I would like to emulate.  There are bits and pieces of “If” all over the internet but I think I’m going to have to buy the book and read it through because so many of these little paragraphs are eloquent and challenging and inspiring all at the same time. I bolded the ones that particularly spoke to me.  Even if you don’t associate yourself with the way of Jesus, I think we can all appreciate a sacrificial, pure, selfless and all-encompassing love that is spoken of here as “Calvary Love”.  Enjoy.

If I belittle those whom I am called to serve, talk of their weak points in contrast perhaps with what I think of as my strong points; if I adopt a superior attitude, forgetting “Who made thee to differ? And what hast thou that thou hast not received?” then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I can write an unkind letter, speak an unkind word, think an unkind thought without grief and shame, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I can rebuke without a pang, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If my attitude be one of fear, not faith, about one who has disappointed me; if I say, “Just what I expected” if a fall occurs, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I am afraid to speak the truth, lest I lose affection, or lest the one concerned should say, “You do not understand,” or because I fear to lose my reputation for kindness; if I put my own good name before the other’s highest good, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I hold on to choices of any kind, just because they are my choice, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I am soft to myself and slide comfortably into self-pity and self-sympathy; If I do not by the grace of God practice fortitude, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I myself dominate myself, if my thoughts revolve round myself, if I am so occupied with myself I rarely have “a heart at leisure from itself,” then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If, the moment I am conscious of the shadow of self crossing my threshold, I do not shut the door, and keep that door shut, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I cannot in honest happiness take the second place (or the twentieth); if I cannot take the first without making a fuss about my unworthiness, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I take offense easily, if I am content to continue in a cool unfriendliness, though friendship be possible, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I feel injured when another lays to my charge things that I know not, forgetting that my sinless Savior trod this path to the end, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I feel bitter toward those who condemn me, as it seems to me, unjustly, forgetting that if they knew me as I know myself they would condemn me much more, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If souls can suffer alongside, and I hardly know it, because the spirit of discernment is not in me, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If the praise of others elates me and their blame depresses me; if I cannot rest under misunderstanding without defending myself; if I love to be loved more than to love, to be served more than to serve, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I crave hungrily to be used to show the way of liberty to a soul in bondage, instead of caring only that it be delivered; if I nurse my disappointment when I fail, instead of asking that to another the word of release may be given, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If the ultimate, the hardest, cannot be asked of me; if my fellows hesitate to ask it and turn to someone else, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I covet any place on earth but the dust at the foot of the Cross, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

That which I know not, teach Thou me, O Lord, my God.

-Amy Carmichael, “Calvary Love,” from If, by Dohnavur Fellowship.

 

quotes, spirituality | No Comments »

Avery: “I only have two nipples. But I need to have more nipples.”

Me: “What???”

A: “You have a lot of nipples Mommy!” (while pointing to my freckles)

M: “Do you mean freckles?”

A: “Um…yes! Why are you laughing Mommy?”

Avery consistently mixes up these two words.  I see some awkward situations in our future.

Avery, funny, quirky kids, quotes | No Comments »

I ran into a friend in a coffee shop today.  I hadn’t seen her in a couple years but I knew that she had had her second child since I last saw her.  We chatted briefly about our lives and our kids and I asked if she was back to work as her second child is now over a year old.  She answered me that she was taking a leave.

“You haven’t heard?”    

“Rob* left me,” she replied simply.

Trying not to pry but wanting to express my concern for her I tried to ask how she was doing.  She filled me on how Rob had picked up and left just 6 months ago, when she was still on maternity leave after having their second child. “He’d been having an affair for over two years, but somehow managed to get me pregnant again in there,” she says with a twinge of bitterness in her voice.  “I’ve been hoping he would come home and we could work things out but he just bought a house with this woman.  So I’m going to start the divorce process.” 

My heart goes out to Deanne*.  Her parents went through a messy divorce and I know it’s the last thing she would have wanted.  When they got married ten years ago, these two were pretty sincere evangelical Christians.  People who claim to take their marriage vows as a sacred promise before God.  What the hell happened?  I am shocked.  If there was ever a couple that I wouldn’t have expected this to happen to, it was them. Rob was a great guy and the type you expect to be rock solid in the fidelity department.   Deanne is an attractive, friendly woman. She has a career and has had two children with Rob.  Where did this affair come from? 

Bastard, I think.  Deanne is a great woman.  You two were good together.  You have two beautiful children. Wherever you are,  you probably complain that it is hard for you to be away from your children and yet you are the one who couldn’t choose to make your marriage work. You chose to leave.  You chose this other woman.  You chose to inflict a wound from which your soon to be ex-wife and children may never fully recove 

As I’m driving home after this encounter I start thinking. If this can happen to them, who’s to say it can’t happen to me?  What if my husband up and left and I, like Deanne, never saw it coming?  How would I cope?  What would I do?  What would I tell my kids? My gut twists up just thinking about it.  My husband has never given me any reason to question his faithfulness and yet, the consequences of this other man’s affair are far-reaching.  Every time a person cheats, it causes the people around them to question the loyalty of their spouse or significant other.  I know not everyone would take things that much to heart, but I suspect some women are like me.  These thoughts roll around in my head.  Sorrow for Deanne and her kids, anger at Rob, and a tiny corner of fear that something like this could happen to me.

Later I call my husband at work. I have to tell him about this chance meeting.  When I explain what happened his first thought is the same as mine was. “Bastard,” he says.   “She’d better be getting child support from him.”  My fears are instantly silenced.  My husband is not Rob.  I have no need to fear. He sees Rob’s actions as a terrible betrayal as I do.  We are on the same page.  We finish the conversation and I heave a sigh of relief as I hang up the phone.  I’ve been thinking about my marriage vows today.  We designed them by picking and choosing from vows we found in books and on the internet.  These words are important to me.  If a moment ever comes when I am tempted to cheat I hope that I will remember these words:

“I accept you as my husband, with your strengths and with your weaknesses, I will be loyal to you in health or illness, to share what I have and who I am, to love enough to risk being hurt, to trust when I misunderstand, to weep with you in heartache, to celebrate life with you in joy…”

It was important to me to say “I accept you” rather than the more traditional “I take you” because marriage is not a taking, it is a giving and the corresponding acceptance.  I can’t take what I want and leave the rest. And acceptance is a daily ritual. 

My husband is not particularly hard to get along with but we all know how it is.  We all have our moments. 

My other favorite part of this is the part about loving enough to risk being hurt and trusting when I misunderstand. Loving is a risk. A spouse may not love you the way you expect or want to be loved.   Sometimes it can hurt.  Sometimes hearing the truth can hurt, even when it’s spoken with love.  But our marriage vows created a choice for us.  We can choose to love even if it hurts sometimes because the reward for that pain can be a greater intimacy.  And we can trust the good we know in each other even when we feel we are being slighted or hurt and we can be willing to sort out the misunderstanding. 

We have wept through heartache and celebrated life with joy in the past six years.  Marriage is a risk.  It is to love enough that it will hurt like hell if your spouse cheats or turns his or her back on you.  Any less would be a betrayal.  But I think the risk is worth it.

I don’t know what I would say to Rob if I saw him today. It’s not like we are close friends.  I certainly wouldn’t tell him that I think he is scum for leaving his wife and kids, even if that’s how I feel.  I think I feel more sad than anything because he has traded something that was extremely valuable, even in its most difficult or boring moments, for something cheap.  And he is starting all over again, and this time with a statistically poorer chance of succeeding, than the first time. 

There is a quote about marriage that was given to us when we were engaged and it has become a bit of a mantra for me.  I read it over a lot.  On first reading you may find it makes marriage sound unromantic, but after years of reflection I have found that it creates safety and stability.  Because love isn’t always enough to carry you through. There are moments, days, sometimes weeks, or possibly years, when it is a promise that sustains a marriage.  That can be an act of love as well.  And I believe that when the love returns it will be enhanced by the memory of the promise that upheld it and gave it another opportunity to ignite.

“I didn’t marry you because you are perfect.  I didn’t even marry you because I loved you.  I married you because you gave me a promise.  That promise made up for your faults.  And the promise I gave you made up for mine.  Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn’t a house that prtected them; and it wasn’t our love that protected them – it was that promise.”

*Names have been changed.

family, marriage, quotes, twoo wuv | 1 Comment »