Aug 13

On the day after our ninth anniversary….

There was a time when I wouldn’t have been happy with a simple trip into town on the subway…

…to eat dinner at a simple pub and make silly faces at the camera and laugh with the kids…

…and to stroll through the city after dinner and enjoy a fountain…

…and to ride the carousel with the kids before we head home early to put them to bed.

But last night it was enough. It was good enough to celebrate our family…

…and the fact that after nine years we’re still laughing together and enjoying the good and simple things in life.

I love you hubby.

Apr 24

I’m not the first on the internets to do this meme and I won’t be the last. Let’s call it some mindless Friday fun…

 

What are your middle names?

Tracy and Edward. Nothing dramatic. 

How long have you been together?

We started dating early in 1999. Engaged by New Year’s Eve 1999 and married August 2000.  So I guess that makes just over ten years together. Wow.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?

We met in September of 1998. So I guess I’d say about 6 months, maybe less. The official start of our romantic relationship is a bit blurry. 

Who asked whom out?

See above. The transition from friendship to romance was kind of hard to pinpoint. It was more like we realized we actually were dating (with a small push from a friend) and we just continued on from there.

How old are each of you?

I’m 28 and he’s 30. And I am kind of a pain in the ass about reminding him of that fact. Heh.

Whose siblings do you see the most?

Typically mine as we’ve lived closer to them. But in the past two years pretty much neither as we have been far from all of our collective siblings.

Which situation is hardest on you as a couple?

I’m going to go out on a limb and say we argue about the same things that most couples argue about. But as to what is hardest, I guess it depends on which of us you are talking to.  Since we are talking to me right now, I’m going to say his long hours and the demands of his job which I frequently think are unrealistic. As far as I’m concerned, unless people are dying as a direct result of the hubby not working (and in his tech-based business I’m going to go with NO), there is no excuse for him having to work in the middle of the night or all weekend all. the. time. 

Did you go to the same school?

Not in high school but I’m pretty sure we would have been friends if we had. We were both geeks. 

Are you from the same home towns?

Nope.

Who is smarter?

Definitely him. But if you’re looking for a name or phone number I’m usually your girl. 

Who is the most sensitive?

Depends on who you ask. I would say that I am. He would say I DEFINITELY AM.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?

We haven’t been in the same place with enough freedom to go out together in the past few years to be able to establish a favourite place.  Our prerequisites are: alcohol, food and alcohol.

Where is the furthest the two of you have traveled as a couple?

Quebec City and Boston are about the same distance. If you’d asked me when we got married if we would have left the continent by the time we were married nine years I would have said definitely. Reality, it turns out, is far less glamorous than fantasy.

Who has the craziest exes?

Neither of us have any real exes. I know, we’re so adorable it makes your teeth hurt, right?

Who has the worst temper?

I don’t want to talk about it.

Who does the cooking?

For the greater good, I do.

Who is the neat freak?

Both of us, in different ways. I am picky about uncluttered surfaces, counters and such. He is the organizational one who spends hours making closets and storage rooms neatly catalogued. With this combination of anal retentiveness you would think our house would look like it came out of a magazine. Alas, this is not the case. Unfortunately neither of us has the quirk of being anal about cleaning toilets or sweeping floors or folding laundry. Perhaps one of our children will be get that particular idiosyncrasy. 

Who is more stubborn?

I doubt there are two people more equally matched than the two of us.

Who hogs the bed?

He would tell you I do, but since he falls asleep seconds after his head hits the pillow you really can’t believe anything he says regarding blanket tug-of-war. The truth is both of us hog the bed. And we bought a king-sized blanket for our queen-size bed so that we could avoid fighting over the covers. All I have to say about that is…is there anything bigger than king-size?

Who wakes up earlier?

Usually he does.

Where was your first date?

After we decided we were “officially” a couple, our first real date was going out for vegetarian pizza (which I pretended to think was the greatest thing EVER because he did – now I’m slightly less enthusiastic about it) and a movie which I think may have been Shakespeare In Love but I’m not totally sure.

Who is more jealous?

I’m not really sure what kind of jealousy we’re referring to here, but I’d say probably me.

How long did it take to get serious?

Aside from the months of “just friends” dating we were serious right from the beginning. Neither of us take friendships or romantic relationships casually.

Who eats more?

Let’s not talk about that.

Who does the laundry?

It’s a combined effort. I sort, wash, dry and eventually fold the clothes. He complains about the basket of clean but wrinkled laundry that has yet to be folded.

Who’s better with the computer?

The hubby is some kind of techno-savant. I call him the computer whisperer.

Who drives when you are together?

He usually drives from behind the wheel. I drive from the back seat (actually, usually the passenger seat).

Mar 11

I just discovered that, when brushing the kids’ teeth, my husband does not rinse out the toothbrush and then brush the teeth again with the rinsed out brush so as to fully clean the toothpaste off the kids’ teeth.  Now I am extremely kind of hyper-sensitive about anything relating to toothpaste and how utterly revolting it is so I was TOTALLY APPALLED AND SHOCKED BECAUSE TOOTHPASTE LEFT ON THEIR TEETH = OMG EWWWWW!!!! a little concerned about this turn of events. I know that if people swallow toothpaste it can cause discolouration in their teeth and it seems to me that while it may be good for cleaning teeth, it should still be cleaned OFF the teeth at the end of one’s brushing routine.

My husband thinks I’m way overreacting.

So I’m turning it over to you, people. Do you typically brush with the toothpaste and then brush with the rinsed-out brush to clean the toothpaste out of your mouth? Or am I too sensitive?

Dec 8

I ran into a friend in a coffee shop today.  I hadn’t seen her in a couple years but I knew that she had had her second child since I last saw her.  We chatted briefly about our lives and our kids and I asked if she was back to work as her second child is now over a year old.  She answered me that she was taking a leave.

“You haven’t heard?”    

“Rob* left me,” she replied simply.

Trying not to pry but wanting to express my concern for her I tried to ask how she was doing.  She filled me on how Rob had picked up and left just 6 months ago, when she was still on maternity leave after having their second child. “He’d been having an affair for over two years, but somehow managed to get me pregnant again in there,” she says with a twinge of bitterness in her voice.  “I’ve been hoping he would come home and we could work things out but he just bought a house with this woman.  So I’m going to start the divorce process.” 

My heart goes out to Deanne*.  Her parents went through a messy divorce and I know it’s the last thing she would have wanted.  When they got married ten years ago, these two were pretty sincere evangelical Christians.  People who claim to take their marriage vows as a sacred promise before God.  What the hell happened?  I am shocked.  If there was ever a couple that I wouldn’t have expected this to happen to, it was them. Rob was a great guy and the type you expect to be rock solid in the fidelity department.   Deanne is an attractive, friendly woman. She has a career and has had two children with Rob.  Where did this affair come from? 

Bastard, I think.  Deanne is a great woman.  You two were good together.  You have two beautiful children. Wherever you are,  you probably complain that it is hard for you to be away from your children and yet you are the one who couldn’t choose to make your marriage work. You chose to leave.  You chose this other woman.  You chose to inflict a wound from which your soon to be ex-wife and children may never fully recove 

As I’m driving home after this encounter I start thinking. If this can happen to them, who’s to say it can’t happen to me?  What if my husband up and left and I, like Deanne, never saw it coming?  How would I cope?  What would I do?  What would I tell my kids? My gut twists up just thinking about it.  My husband has never given me any reason to question his faithfulness and yet, the consequences of this other man’s affair are far-reaching.  Every time a person cheats, it causes the people around them to question the loyalty of their spouse or significant other.  I know not everyone would take things that much to heart, but I suspect some women are like me.  These thoughts roll around in my head.  Sorrow for Deanne and her kids, anger at Rob, and a tiny corner of fear that something like this could happen to me.

Later I call my husband at work. I have to tell him about this chance meeting.  When I explain what happened his first thought is the same as mine was. “Bastard,” he says.   “She’d better be getting child support from him.”  My fears are instantly silenced.  My husband is not Rob.  I have no need to fear. He sees Rob’s actions as a terrible betrayal as I do.  We are on the same page.  We finish the conversation and I heave a sigh of relief as I hang up the phone.  I’ve been thinking about my marriage vows today.  We designed them by picking and choosing from vows we found in books and on the internet.  These words are important to me.  If a moment ever comes when I am tempted to cheat I hope that I will remember these words:

“I accept you as my husband, with your strengths and with your weaknesses, I will be loyal to you in health or illness, to share what I have and who I am, to love enough to risk being hurt, to trust when I misunderstand, to weep with you in heartache, to celebrate life with you in joy…”

It was important to me to say “I accept you” rather than the more traditional “I take you” because marriage is not a taking, it is a giving and the corresponding acceptance.  I can’t take what I want and leave the rest. And acceptance is a daily ritual. 

My husband is not particularly hard to get along with but we all know how it is.  We all have our moments. 

My other favorite part of this is the part about loving enough to risk being hurt and trusting when I misunderstand. Loving is a risk. A spouse may not love you the way you expect or want to be loved.   Sometimes it can hurt.  Sometimes hearing the truth can hurt, even when it’s spoken with love.  But our marriage vows created a choice for us.  We can choose to love even if it hurts sometimes because the reward for that pain can be a greater intimacy.  And we can trust the good we know in each other even when we feel we are being slighted or hurt and we can be willing to sort out the misunderstanding. 

We have wept through heartache and celebrated life with joy in the past six years.  Marriage is a risk.  It is to love enough that it will hurt like hell if your spouse cheats or turns his or her back on you.  Any less would be a betrayal.  But I think the risk is worth it.

I don’t know what I would say to Rob if I saw him today. It’s not like we are close friends.  I certainly wouldn’t tell him that I think he is scum for leaving his wife and kids, even if that’s how I feel.  I think I feel more sad than anything because he has traded something that was extremely valuable, even in its most difficult or boring moments, for something cheap.  And he is starting all over again, and this time with a statistically poorer chance of succeeding, than the first time. 

There is a quote about marriage that was given to us when we were engaged and it has become a bit of a mantra for me.  I read it over a lot.  On first reading you may find it makes marriage sound unromantic, but after years of reflection I have found that it creates safety and stability.  Because love isn’t always enough to carry you through. There are moments, days, sometimes weeks, or possibly years, when it is a promise that sustains a marriage.  That can be an act of love as well.  And I believe that when the love returns it will be enhanced by the memory of the promise that upheld it and gave it another opportunity to ignite.

“I didn’t marry you because you are perfect.  I didn’t even marry you because I loved you.  I married you because you gave me a promise.  That promise made up for your faults.  And the promise I gave you made up for mine.  Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn’t a house that prtected them; and it wasn’t our love that protected them – it was that promise.”

*Names have been changed.