Dear Kieran,

Today you are 5 years old. It may be cliched to exclaim over how fast the years have flown but I’ll be doing it anyway. Just a note for your own future reference: If you should some day have a child, on the occasion of his or her 5th birthday, I advise you NOT to look at his or her baby pictures. You may find yourself overcome with nostalgia and trying to explain to said 5 year old why you are weeping uncontrollably. Just sayin’.

Five years ago the world’s fattest baby made his appearance. Ok, not the world’s fattest, but you were quite the little butterball. All ten pounds twelve ounces of you. If you think I’ll ever let you forget that, you have another thing coming!

You were such a delight to me, from the moment you arrived. Maybe your sister broke me in as a mother, but my ability to enjoy you was much greater because I already knew a thing or two about being parenting. I was, however, a novice at boys. Having grown up with only sisters, I wasn’t sure how this whole boy thing was going to work out. I was nervous.

But that’s the greatest thing about you, Kieran. From the moment you were born you have been the exact son I was meant to have. You are such a treasure to your dad and me. People always tell me you have the greatest smile and they are right. From the beginning your bright smile (even if it was gas-induced) has attracted people to you.

I didn’t know what would follow after that first few days in the hospital, but when we took you home we started the real process of learning what having a son was all about.

Within a year you were so completely your own person, full of energy and enthusiasm and spirit. Your winning smile (not to mention those dimples!!!) has taken you far in this life. I hope you never loseWeight Exercise the ability to see the good in everything.

You have always been quick to laugh, ready to be silly and joke around and always trying to crack up those around you.

I love that you are not afraid to be just who you are, regardless of what people might think. You are 100% YOU and that’s exactly what I want for you! Of course you also love to follow in your sister’s footsteps, too. The two of you make a pretty great team.

I think what has surprised me the most about you is how very extroverted you are turning out to be. You just love to be with people. All. The. Time. I know I’m not always very understanding of this trait, partly because I don’t have it. But the fact that you are so at ease in a group is a gift. You see every person as an opportunity to make a friend and that is such a wonderful quality. But you temper your extroversion with such incredible sensitivity, self-awareness and thoughtfulness that I am frequently shocked by the thoughts swirling around in that head of yours.

You have never been afraid of anything (except monsters under the bed) and conquer new challenges fearlessly! How I admire your openness to trying new things. You get that from your daddy.

It is such a privilege to be your mommy. If I could have ordered a little boy who I felt would be “right” for me, I would have asked for you exactly. You teach me every day what it means to be open and loving. Your desire for hugs and kisses and snuggles is never satiated and I love that about you!

Here we are, five years later and still nose to nose and heart to heart.  I hope that never changes. I love you baby!

Love,
Your Mom

Kieran | 4 Comments »

It’s been a month since Kieran started preschool. He anticipated preschool with nothing but enthusiasm and pure excitement. It couldn’t come soon enough. There were no tears the first day, or any other day for that matter.

Everything was the best! Every activity the most fun! Every child his new best friend!  There was the regular run-down after every class. What stories were read, what games were played, what the teacher said and what Kieran said to every single person at each point in the enthralling drama that is preschool.

And of course we heard what every other child said and did and to whom and for how long. But very quickly we started hearing about one child in particular far more than any other. “G was taking toys away from the kids.” “G threw a book at me.” “G was hitting kids.” All parents are required to volunteer twice monthly as a class parent-helper and after I spent some time witnessing G in action I started feeling that maybe we were dealing with more than regular 4 year old impulsiveness this time.

This child was not able to sit still. Not. For. One. Second. Not just squirmy. Not just distracted. Completely unable to focus on any task or sit quietly without touching or hurting or crawling all over another child. He never interacted normally with other children but grabbed the toys he wanted without asking, acted out in frustration by hitting or throwing, and seemed incapable of following instructions. When I looked him in the eyes it seemed he wasn’t hearing me or my words were not actually being processed in his little head. His eyes were blank.

My concerns stem from the fact that the teacher does not have the proper support in the classroom. Her “help” consists of two daily parent helpers but the parents rotate every class and so there is no consistency and clearly none of the parents have the training required to work with a child who has these kinds of behavioural issues. The teacher did a great job given the considerable pressure she must be under. We felt that there was little we could do as the only thing that would make the situation better is another teacher and the only way that could be accomplished is by raising tuition significantly which certainly wouldn’t happen quickly even if we were able to convince the board that this was necessary. So we decided to look at moving him to another school.

We were lucky enough to find another school very quickly and one that we feel will be an excellent alternative. Let me be clear. I understand that these are four year olds we are talking about. It’s preschool, not boot camp. Four year olds are impulsive and still working out how to control themselves and behave in a group setting and follow instructions. But I know when a child is having a negative effect on my child and I recognize the limitations of the situation. Believe me, I agonized plenty over the whole situation, whether I was being too rash, whether I was being unfair.

But when I explained to Kieran that we had decided to move him to a different school and that mommy and daddy thought it was the best thing for him, his first response was “A school with no G??? Oh, thank you Mommy!!” In that moment I knew we had made the right decision. Some experiences are too precious to sacrifice in order to ignore your gut feelings. Next week Kieran starts at his new school and he couldn’t be more enthusiastic and excited. After all, how many kids get to start school twice?

Kieran, school drama | 3 Comments »

It’s the first time in seven years that I am sending both of them away for at least a couple of hours a week and all I find myself thinking about is how she is now old enough to stay up late reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

And how he is so innocent and earnest in his desire to be good and how well he listens and tries his very hardest.

And how she just wants to be friends with everyone and is still so very enthusiastic about school. Being misunderstood is life’s greatest tragedy. She’s so much like me, it’s scary.

And how he is somehow old enough to be in preschool and still, adorably, uses words like “growmup” (grown-up) and “packpack” (backpack).

And my goodness, where did the summer go?

Avery, Kieran, mommy stuff | 3 Comments »

So I wanted to update y’all on Antageddon 2010. I wanted to. HOWEVER, since it has been raining pretty much 30 hours a day for as long as I can remember. Which one might imagine would drown all the little bastards right but I’m pretty sure our particular brand of ants are resilient enough to withstand a flood of biblical proportions.

Nonetheless, we did feel like we were starting to make a bit of progress in the War On Ants before the floods came upon us so we’re hoping that if we keep up with the 14 different ant-killing methods we were using that we will be able to reclaim our yard for the good guys (that would be us).

We managed to successfully pull off Kieran’s birthday party this weekend which was stressing me out because I had wanted to have it outside and normally you can depend on relative warmth and excessive sunshine in June in the prairies. Alas, it was not to be. With a forecast of nothing but rain for the foreseeable future I was able to accept that we would not be partying outside this year and I got my papier mache on. I made pinatas!

And I don’t mind saying they were a tremendous success! We used the pinata loot as goodie bag fillers so the kids all collected their own treats after each one broke. Because the pinatas were very nearly free to make I was able to spend money on buying good candy instead of that crappy pinata candy that you can buy at stores. They were absolutely perfect for the age of kids we had, not breaking too easily but also not being so hard that a 4 year old couldn’t possibly break it open.

Let me tell you, you haven’t know fear unless you’re a man standing on chair and holding a pinata while a number of four year boys swings a plastic bat directly at your junk as hard as they can.

The hubby is very brave.

This year the request was for a Batman cake and after searching out a simple idea for a Batman themed cake I was fairly happy with the outcome:

Please ignore the rather wobbly outlines of the cityscape. I bought super strength icing colour to get the perfect royal blue and black colour. This was the result:

And if that’s what it did to their tongues then you can imagine why it was no surprise when we woke up the next morning to our son yelling excitedly “MOM! DAD! COME AND LOOK! MY POOP IS BLUE!!!!“. Excellent.

But what I’d really like to know is how my baby…

…became a Batman-costume-wearing, mini-golf-playing, bike-riding, joke-telling, sweet, beautiful boy?

ants, Kieran, yard | 6 Comments »

Dear Son,

Some day I hope you have a child just like you. Generous, sensitive, caring, easy-going, constantly smiling and with a heart bigger than you thought possible. And who eats his or her dinner just slightly slower than the pace of a glacier.

I hope some day you will understand just how far past my wit’s end I was the other night when I took your dinner away (after numerous warnings) and got you into your pajamas and sent you to bed without more than a bite of dinner.

I know you won’t starve missing out on one meal. In fact, missing dinner tonight is not much different than any other night only we didn’t fight over it as long. Supper has always been the bane of your existence and frankly, I’m at a loss to understand why. After the way you run around all day you should be ravenous. But unless dinner consists of cheeseburgers or pizza you’re pretty much willing to forgo the whole fuss. Tonight I’d had enough and decided that a simple bribe or a missed dessert just isn’t going to cut it anymore. I warned you that the consequence of not eating was going to be an immediate bed-time and you called my bluff.

So when I picked you up from the table and brought you upstairs the tears started to flow immediately. You knew I meant it and you weren’t happy. You wailed while I put on your pajamas. You howled while I brushed your teeth. You sobbed as I tucked you into bed. You repeatedly broke my heart with “I wish this wasn’t happening!!!”. Me too, buddy. Me too.

They say people show who they are in a crisis. While going to bed without supper isn’t a natural disaster or unexpected tragedy, it is about as serious as things get for a privileged North American little boy. You showed me who you are tonight. Because even though you were devastated you never once kicked or fought or yelled. You didn’t try to hurt me or run away from me. You didn’t say “I hate you”.  If you had, you wouldn’t have been the first three, almost four-year-old to do so.

You reminded me that you are a gentle, sweet boy who wants to be good. You crave attention and approval like any little three year old but you rarely stoop to misbehaviour to achieve it.  You never resort to nastiness. Silliness maybe, but you are never mean. And most of the time you succeed at being “good”. But the fact that you are good, even when you are being disciplined says a lot about your character, buddy.

I hope some day you have a child just like you who shows you their amazing capacity for unconditional love like you did when I came in to try and settle you down. Your utter despair turned to acceptance and tears to snuggles and I just couldn’t have been more proud of you. Not even today when you announced yourself Kieran the Superhero Worm Rescuer!  You are a good boy.

I love you baby.

Love,
Mommy

Kieran, mommy stuff | 5 Comments »

I haven’t mentioned it yet but I’m happy to say that we have received our acceptance  from the Saskatchewan Ministry of Social Services to pursue adoption. It’s probably the most painless step of the whole process so not so much a big accomplishment as it is actual evidence that we are headed down this road for real now!

Our next step is an interview/meeting with our social worker which will happen in a few days. I am not totally sure what that meeting will entail. Talking through our adoption plan, discussing the homestudy, what else? I’m not clear. But after that meeting I think we will be cleared to begin the homestudy process which is a big part of the dossier we will send to our chosen country.  Now THAT I will be nervous about! Nothing like putting your whole life and family under a microscope!

In other news, Kieran seems to be coming to grips with his own mortality. Yes, that’s right. My three year old is having an existential crisis over the fact that he will die someday. Not everyone approaches teaching their kids about death in the same way. We have always taken a very honest, but age-appropriate approach.  Avery encountered death at a very early age when her uncle died of cancer. We explained the concept as best we could at a 2-year-old level. She listened, processed, discussed, and moved on.

But the perils of having an older sister well-informed about the concept of death means a certain three year old boy has been perhaps given information at a time and in a way that he was not prepared for. It almost certainly does not help that she told him the other day that if he watched too much tv his heart would stop beating! Nothing like a little Grim Reaper with your morning cartoons!

I’ll tell you one thing. Comforting a weeping child who is afraid of dying is no picnic. Thus far, distraction has proven to be the most effective technique. We discuss the things we’re going to do tomorrow, next week, and when he grows up. It’s the only thing that seems to work at this point. I’m sure time and maturity will help. Until then, we are trying to focus on life around here!

adoption, Kieran, life and death | No Comments »

Avery: Tells us something about a classmate bugging her.

The Hubby: “Well, you can’t control anyone except…”

Avery: “YourSELF! I KNOW Dad!”

Kieran: “And ROBOTS!”

funny, Kieran, quirky kids | 6 Comments »

Dear Three Year Old,

I know you don’t remember the first year of your life or the way I was a total wreck because of never getting to sleep through the night perfectly delightful all the time but you can trust me, I was. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that you are three, or any specific developmental phase or the fact that you just don’t want to go to sleep in your own bed, but the multiple night-time trips to wake me up t is taking it’s toll my darling.

I fully appreciate your vivid imagination and how it is constantly evaluating the likelihood that a monster of unimaginable horror is about to burst out of your closet and violate the sanctity of your bedroom, but I’m going to need you to get a grip here pretty soon. Although I want to be compassionate, I also want to be well rested.  In a contest between maternal love and blessed slumber, sleep is going to win every time. And sleep is less than restful when it is routinely interrupted by “Um…..mum?”.

Sweetheart, I’m not above playing the Santa card and threatening a call to the North Pole if you don’t knock it off. It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s just that you deserve a mother who is not an ogre. So please, my angel, let’s put an end to the nightly visits so I can once again be a moderately pleasant human being dazzle the world with my spectacular mothering while shooting rainbows out of my rear end.

Affectionately yours,
Mommy

Kieran, mommy stuff, parenting | 3 Comments »

Dear Avery and Kieran,

I often wonder what you will remember about this time in your lives. There have been a lot of changes in the last couple of years and they aren’t over yet.  I know you will adjust and life will settle down again as it always does. Routine inevitably falls over us like a familiar blanket. But I wonder…

…I wonder if Avery will remember her first sweetheart. A neighbour and classmate who she bonded with early in the school year and before a few months were through, had pledged to marry. Will she remember his possessive and sometimes manipulative and hurtful behaviour in order to keep her attention focused solely on him? Or will she simply remember their unabashed affection for each other and the way they simply felt comfortable playing together. Their innocent acceptance of each other and their bold plans for the future, despite any attempts by her parents to convince her that she *might* change her mind in the future.

(Yes, she looks like she’s yelling at him here, but she really wasn’t. And just seconds before they were sitting there with their arms slung around each others shoulders and it was just so cute!)

…I wonder if Kieran will remember his constant fluctuating between fear of everything from the bathroom towel to the dark to sounds in the night and putting on the bold and brave act. Will he remember telling me that he’s a “superhero” and his super powers are “killing bugs…aaand…spiders….and skeetos…and bad things” and that his super powers are “geen (green)”?

…I wonder if Avery will remember her unwavering devotion to mothering her “babies”. Each new doll was welcomed into the fold and her delight delighted me.

…I wonder if Kieran will remember roasting “smushmellows” or constantly asking “Why you doin’ dat Mommy? WHY?” with always the same format: Why_____________? Why?

…I wonder if you will remember the first time you went to the circus and neither of you blinked for the whole performance because you were so enthralled.

…I wonder if you will remember playing outside from dawn to dusk, wearing nothing but a bathing suit and only stopping for snacks and bathroom breaks. Will you remember running around with popsicles melting all over your hands and even after twelve consecutive hours of constant action, you are still reluctant to come inside, until we settle down to read stories and you fall asleep before the book is finished.

…I wonder if you will remember the way you alternately loved and hated each other. Playing for hours without a problem and then fighting like cats and dogs the next. I guess that will continue for years to come but I hope the memories of the fun you had together will be stronger.

I know I will always remember the feel of hugs from sweaty, sticky children who smell like sunshine and the way new freckles popped up on Kieran’s nose every day until he was covered just like his daddy and how Avery grew what felt like six inches in a summer and suddenly felt like such a big kid to me. I will remember birthday cakes and shaking the sand off our feet after a day at the beach and the smell of a fresh coat of sunscreen and the sound of the ocean lapping at the shore while your happy shrieks and giggles sounded in the background.

Avery, Kieran, mommy stuff, moving, summer | 4 Comments »

Tonight, in a fit of pre-bedtime hyperactivity Kieran grabs my face in his two hands and says “Mommy! Yous give me BA-NA-NAS!“ 

I’m pretty sure he meant “You drive me bananas!” but I’ll be darned if I ever say it that way again.

Kieran, mommy stuff, parenting, the good stuff | 4 Comments »