Here are some of the comments that Avery has amused me with this week:
Oh Canada! We stand on guard for bees!! Because, really, where would our fair country be if no one stood up for the helpless bee?
My brother is so squishy! As she pinches big handfuls of his flesh as though it were playdough. Let’s make the baby into a dinosaur! Or a pizza! Or a Christmas tree!
My favourite color is pink-with-sparkles! Pink withOUT sparkles is only a shabby second choice. All other non-sparkle colors are completely useless.
Mar
22
Feb
27
I was looking at old pictures on Flickr and was just amazed at how this
has become this
in such a short time. He’ll be nine months on Thursday. Wow. And still sleeping terribly. Yes. I remember Avery sleeping badly but I think by this age she had settled into a reasonably good sleeping pattern. KIeran seems much more resistant to that idea. I am really running low on energy. The whole experience is wearing me out. It’s not so much that I get so little sleep, because I go to bed quite early. But being woken up over and over makes it like having a newborn again. And no one is meant to deal with a newborn for nine months straight! But I continue to look ahead and hope for better nights in the future.Â
As for the future, it could be very different from our life right now. I won’t blog all about it right now but I think most of you know what is involved. I am alternately very excited and totally stressed.Â
And in closing, a joke, as told by Avery: Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken’s foot! (This being the answer to Why did the GUM cross the road? She mixes them up. But she still thinks it’s funny enough to tell over and over again.)
Feb
3
There are so many reasons NOT to take a three year old into the dressing room with you. But if you needed a few, I submit the following for your reminder (choice comments my daughter announced to the world today while I was trying on clothes):
- “Mommy, your legs are all squishy!”
- “Mommy, you have A HOLE IN YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!!” (It’s laundry day. Gimme a break.)
- The child also sang songs at the top of her lungs while dancing in front of the full length mirror.
What goes through my daughter’s head?
I’m pretty sure it sounds like this: If I do not specify EVERY DAY that I want a sandwich with ham and cheese and cucumbers and tomatoes and bread and mayonnaise and milk to drink my mother is liable to feed me rusty nails and gasoline for lunch. If I do not check with her 75 times after she has already promised to make said sandwich for lunch she may not get it right, even though I have eaten this exact same sandwich every single day for lunch since July.
She’s an amusing child. Particularly today as she was asking her brother “How big is Kieran?” at lunch time. The expected appropriate response is that Kieran lifts his arms above his massive head and we all cheer “Soooo biiig!” He was doing this little trick at Christmas but has mostly refused to do it since then. Today he performed like a pro for his sister who is apparently much more fun to obey than mommy and daddy.
Avery was also listening to music on headphones today. There might be funnier things than watching a three year old shake her little baby booty and belt out “Mr. Golden Sun”, completely oblivious to the world around her. But if there are, I don’t know what they are.
Jan
23
Dear Kieran,
I have reviewed your list of demands and have some of my own thoughts to share. In the spirit of compromise and a desire to come to a peaceful resolution in this conflict I have not addressed this letter to “the devil’s spawn”. I hope you will appreciate the self-restraint this required.
Firstly, I must address your expectation of unlimited poops that shoot out of your diaper and down your pant leg or up the back of your shirt. I respectfully point out that the time required to clean you off and then scrub the poop stains out the affected articles of clothing is extremely time consuming. Furthermore, this task must be performed immediately if the stains are to be removed completely. This requires that I take my attention away from you for more than one second which is the limit you have deemed appropriate for any distraction of your Mother or Care Giver. Therefore, I must propose that the number of poops per day remain unrestricted but that they are confined within the boundaries of the diaper area.
Secondly, your demands for no-food-whatsoever is clearly unreasonable. I ask you to consider the long term effects of carrying out such a proposal. If we can come to some kind of compromise in which you eat at least one good meal per day I will try and be satisfied. Of course it must be understood that this meal will include food other than plain rice cereal. Nursing, of course, will continue to be mandatory. Your illegal strike has not gone unnoticed and I must inform you that if you continue this action we will be forced to take drastic measures. The biting also crosses all legitimate forms of protest and must cease and desist immediately. Failure to comply will result in beatings with a blunt object disciplinary action.
I do recognize that your sleeping has improved slightly in recent days and I appreciate your willingness to work with me to improve our night-time relationship. I only hope that you will be willing to attempt to view this conflict from my perspective. If you can agree to my proposal I will be happy to stop force-feeding you bananas to solidify your poop. I also understand that you are going through a bout of teething and that this can be painful. It would be my pleasure to supply you with unlimited doses of Infant Tylenol and/or Advil. But please remember that pretty much everyone in the history of the world has grown teeth and we have all survived the process.  At least, no one has died from teething that I KNOW OF. You, too, will come through beautifully. The process will go more smoothly if we can reach an agreement in regards to pooping and eating. You can expect a much happier and more friendly Mother as we continue to work together through your Growing Up Years.
Regards,
Your Mother
Jan
5
Avery: “I only have two nipples. But I need to have more nipples.”
Me: “What???”
A: “You have a lot of nipples Mommy!” (while pointing to my freckles)
M: “Do you mean freckles?”
A: “Um…yes! Why are you laughing Mommy?”
Avery consistently mixes up these two words. I see some awkward situations in our future.
Jan
4
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In the year 2007 I resolve to: |
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In the year 2007 I resolve to: |
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In the year 2007 I resolve to: |
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In the year 2007 I resolve to: |
Dec
14
I’m not a fan of beer but I think this could make for a fun night at the bar.
Dec
14
A few days ago, before the weather warmed up, I was loading the baby into the car and Avery was waiting for me to put her into her seat. I pull my head out of the car and what do I see? My daughter is LICKING the taillight of our car.Â
GROSS.
I tried to explain the issues with dirt and germs and of course, the whole problem with cold weather and licking metallic objects. She looked at me like I was SOOOO PARANOID and GOOD LORD, MOTHER, WHAT IS WITH THE ANXIETY??
Some people need to learn things by experiencing them. It appears my daughter may be one of them. Just wait. Some day she’ll freeze her tongue to her boyfriend’s metal studded dog collar (or whatever the 21st century equivalent of that will be) and she will PROVE HER MAMA RIGHT.
Dec
4
Your ‘Do You Want the Terrorists to Win’ Score: 79%Â
You are a terrorist-loving scoundrel who hates our dear leader and the values he defends. There are few redeeming qualities about you. You most likely celebrated when the evil-doers hit us on 9/11, then opposed the Iraq war when we tried to pay them back. You hurt us at every step and cause troops to die in the field by questioning Bush’s decisions. You are most likely a lost cause, doomed to be a brainwashed victim of free thought and liberalism forever. No dose of Ann Coulter’s prose can save you now.
Dec
3
Â
The person who writes up these profiles is totally my hero. They managed to insult and belittle me while still making me laugh at myself. Â Kudos!