Here’s a little piece of free advice for all of you. No charge, just a product of my vast and varied wisdom. Ok, there’s not that much of it. But one thing I DO know about it being sleep deprived after a new baby. Our first child did not sleep well or long til she was close to a year old. That’s not to say she wouldn’t GO to sleep. She just wouldn’t STAY THAT WAY. So even though we were willing to be tough and let her cry it out, it didn’t help when she woke up over and over in the night and fussed all day long, wanting to be swaddled and bounced non-stop. So here is the all time worst thing you can say to a sleep-deprived mother of a newborn:

You need to try and reduce your anxiety and stress. The baby can sense when you are stressed out and that will make them sleep worse.

I had one or two people tell me this in the middle of our colic months when I was one big ball of hysterical, stressed-out, nervous energy.  You want to talk about insensitive?  The translation of that nugget of wisdom is basically “You are a bad, bad mother for feeling the way you do and it is your fault that your baby is unhappy.” Try “reducing your stress” when you are suffering under that kind of guilt.

Her Bad Mother has been posting about her son’s sleep struggles and reading her words almost makes me feel ill, just remembering how hard those months were.  Many commenters had good ideas and suggestions and many just expressed solidarity. Many of us have been there. But of course, there was one who had to say IT.  And while I don’t feel it’s my place to rant on someone else’s blog about my issues with this comment, I clearly feel free to do so here!

Some babies just take longer to adjust to life outside the womb and while it may be true, in some small sense, that a stressed-out mother can contribute to an infant’s sleep issues (although unless the mother is walking around shrieking and throwing her infant around in postpartum madness I can’t believe that it is that significant), telling a woman that her fussy baby is caused by her stress is just plain wrong. In no way does it help. A mother KNOWS she should reduce her stress, for her own sake, if not the baby’s. A mother WANTS to reduce her stress. Does anyone really think people ENJOY that kind of tension? You may believe it, you may think it, you may even say it to others, but saying it to a tired mother only makes you an asshole.

So here are my top suggestions for helping a mother suffering from sleep deprivation. Keep in mind that you need to be aware of individual women’s personalities. Not everyone wants or needs the same things.

1. Ask her what she wants or needs and try to find a way to give it to her. (Ie. If she needs and wants a night of uninterrupted sleep and it’s in your power to do so, then go for it! If she isn’t comfortable forgoing breastfeeding for a whole night, but needs some good naps to help her catch up, see 2.)

2. Don’t offer to come over and watch the baby while she naps. Instead, offer to pick up the baby and keep him/her at your house (or have mom drop off the baby) so mom can sleep at home in peace and quiet.  If the baby is in the same house chances are good that mom will not sleep restfully, if at all. We have become hyper-sensitive to noise and hear every little squawk, even if it’s not an angry howl. We need to be alone to really sleep. If you have time to do this regularly (every day, every week, whatever), do so.

3.  Depending on the person, do the little things that cheer them up and make them happy. Call her on the phone, take her out for coffee, bring her a little gift, send her a card, make a meal and bring it to her home (even better if it’s something that can be frozen and reheated), take her older kids out for a few hours.

4. Help create ways for her to do the things that feed her soul - babysit while she gets a manicure, or reads a book at her favourite coffee shop or goes to the gym. Invite her to go for a walk in the park.

5. If you ask if there’s anything you can do and she says she’s fine but you’re sure she’s not, go ahead and do something! Don’t wait for her to ask. Ask her what day you can babysit or bring her dinner. Not everyone feels comfortable asking for help. I had lots of people offer to babysit or “help out” but many times I was unsure how serious they were or whether they were just being polite. I often felt that if I had actually called them up and asked for their help it would be awkward.  A tired and stressed out mother needs you to take the initiative. If you have practical ways to help, don’t wait to be asked. Just make sure the things you do will not create more work or stress for her.

6. Most importantly, encourage her! There is nothing like exhaustion to make you doubt your ability to parent a squalling infant whose wails you can’t help but take personally and who you increasingly resent.  A mother is incredibly vulnerable in these days, weeks and months (another reason why telling her to just reduce her stress is like a slap in the face). She doesn’t need to hear judgement or empty offers of help. What she needs to hear is that she’s doing a great job. She needs to hear that her baby is doing fine, even if he or she cries all the time. She needs to hear that her best is good enough. She needs to hear that she is a champ for sticking with it and not giving up. She needs to hear that you believe in her and that you see her struggles. She needs affirmation and support.  Some words are needlessly painful. But the right words can go a long way to healing the pain caused by clumsy and insensitive words of people who don’t consider the importance of their words.

baby, parenting, sleep, the crazy | 3 Comments »

A friend recently introduced me to The Shape of a Mother, a website for women to share pictures of their bodies, the good, the bad and what many of us perceive as ugly.  Here is what the creator of the site says:

It is my dream, then, to create this website where women of all ages, shapes, sizes and nationalities can share images of their bodies so it will no longer be secret. So we can finally see what women really look like sans airbrushes and plastic surgery. I think it would be nothing short of amazing if a few of our hearts are healed, or if we begin to cherish our new bodies which have done so much for the human race. What if the next generation grows up knowing how normal our bodies are? How truly awesome would that be?

I have to say I was a bit skeptical at first. It felt a bit creepy, looking at these very intimate pictures. I didn’t know what value there would be in seeing other women’s bodies who, like me, were ravaged by childbearing. In my head I “knew” other women out there look like me. But in mere moments I was completely hooked. I spent half an hour straight just looking at pictures and reading the thoughts and feelings of the women who posted them and so closely identifying with many of them. The good and the bad. The shame and frustration of the weight gain, the stretch marks, the sagging and other side effect of childbearing. But also the joy and power in knowing the strength of my own body and seeing it work so effectively to create a new life. 

Most of all, this site is like media desensitization. Instead of coming away depressed, I felt something I rarely feel: normal.  Absolutely, totally, one hundred percent NORMAL.  I looked at my own body in the mirror and thought to myself “I have a normal body. I look like most of the bodies I saw today.  I have nothing to be ashamed of.” Though I believed those ideas in my head before visiting The Shape of a Mother, I now believe them in my heart.

I also came to appreciate more fully that almost every woman feels the same way about her postpartum body. Even the ones who I would personally deem attractive or thin or beautiful. No detail escapes our scrutiny. No change is unnoticed. None of us seem to be immune. How easy it is for each one of us to feel we are somehow different from everyone else and that we are the only one who experiences our feelings. The Shape of a Mother reminded me I am not alone and that there is a sisterhood of women who have the same struggles.

I know these issues apply to women who have not been pregnant, too, and I think it is just fabulous that someone is trying to remove the shroud of shame and embarrassment that so many of us feel about our bodies in an age when we are bombarded with images that look so different from what we see in the mirror. I hope you will check it out. Whenever I am feeling down on myself about the shape of my body, I know I’ll be going back to remind myself what normal really looks like.

baby, birth, in real life, media, mommy stuff | No Comments »

I received a comment on yesterday’s post from someone who felt strongly that I was being overly dramatic in my treatment of the breastfeeding issue.

I’m ashamed that you consider this harassment or a human rights violation. At most it is upsetting.

I agree that you should be allowed to breastfeed when/where ever needed. That being said I believe that in this politically correct world we are getting ridiculous. It’s not a human right to never be upset or offended. If the flight attendant had insisted on having her cover up that would be another story but nothing I’ve read on this incident said that is the case.

Comments such as most of those I’ve seen on this incident only cheapen those who actually do have human rights issues.

I mean the very idea that the right to nurse in public could be treated as a human rights issue when people around the globe are being physically mistreated, forced into unethical and unfair situations and going without basic necessities like food and water seems laughable, right? I imagine women shrieking “FORGET STARVING CHILDREN! THEY’RE MAKING ME COVER MY BOOOOOBIESSSS!!!” Laughable! The very idea!

Give me a little credit, folks! I did actually spend some time thinking about that very issue before and while writing my post. So let me address the problems suggested by the commenter.

First, that it is wrong for me (or anyone) to consider this incident harassment or a human rights violation.  I suppose it might seem like that if you take this situation on its own. The fact is, it’s becoming increasingly common for women to experience this kind of hassling by people and businesses when nursing in public. I’ve never been a big “crusader” for breastfeeding rights. I’ve never really considered it my “cause”. But Catherine isn’t the only person who has experienced this reaction to breastfeeding in public.  She’s not the first to blog about it. She’s not the only one to be judged or treated like she’s behaving indecently. And while her treatment isn’t the same as physical or verbal abuse, it was still an ugly judgment on her as a person and a slap in the face of her dignity. I don’t know about you, but I consider dignity a basic human right. When women are treated like they are violating indecency laws while breastfeeding in public their dignity is violated. 

Second, it’s not my right to never be offended. Well yes, of course that is true. And no doubt there have been many people who are too easily offended over trivial issues throughout Canada’s (and America’s) history. What I have to ask is why aren’t more people offended by the way our country treats nursing mothers?  Why are we still so wrapped up in our prudish heritage that we take offense at a bare breast for the purpose of feeding a child and yet not at the subtle attitudes that pile the pressure on to women who are already under incredible pressure with the physical and emotional demands of a nursing child. If we really believe that a person who expects a nursing mother to be completely covered in order to be “decent” is wrong, then why is our first reaction often to go ahead and ask that mother to cover up?

Third, that the flight attendant didn’t actually do anything wrong (ie. forcing a nursing mother to cover up) so I (and others like me) should shut our big yaps. Well, in my humble opinion, the flight attendant did do something wrong and you don’t have to follow the scenario to it’s most extreme conclusion (physically forcing a woman to cover herself while nursing) to recognize that something needs to change here. I am not the only one who believes that this is gender discrimination which IS protected by the Canadian charter of rights and freedoms. 

Maybe it is reaching to call this particular incident a true and blatant violation of human rights. But the attitudes portrayed by the players, especially the lack of appropriate response by WestJet, is a telling sign that our culture does not practice what it preaches, not to mention that we have fanatically juvenile preoccupation with sexualizing breasts.

Does a call to treat nursing mothers with dignity cheapen the much more dramatic injustices many people in the world are suffering? I don’t think so. As the saying goes, charity starts at home. As it turns out, so do a lot of other important things like sensitivity, respect, empathy, compassion, dignity and tolerance. If we can’t treat one of our own citizens, nursing in an airplane, with respect what makes us think we can do so with the citizens of other countries? Freedom in word means nothing unless it’s accompanied by deeds.

air travel, baby, breastfeeding, Canadian politics, parenting, standing up | 5 Comments »

In light of Her Bad Mother’s recent experience while trying to nurse her baby on a WestJet flight, I felt compelled to add my voice to the chorus.  Here goes:

Dear WestJet,

No doubt you are just beginning to realize your blunder in not acknowledging the nursing mothers of North America and their rather compelling voices.  You have often chosen to ignore them and it’s eventually going to kick you in the ass if you don’t smarten up.  Here’s what you need to know about women who breastfeed on airplanes:

1. Women who travel with small infants are often tense and anxious to the point of feeling physically ill (or maybe that’s just me?). Travelling with a baby is exhausting and stressful and most of us are conscious enough of our fellow passengers to know that they are all eyeing us and praying they won’t be seated anywhere near the woman with the scream machine wailing infant.  Our own rights to travel with our babies are often drowned out by trying not to offend those around us with our noisy little companion. Or by the less than pleasant welcome we receive by fellow travellers.  We have been conditioned to feel that air travel is for childless adults, no matter what your airline’s “policy” is. 

This attempt to be considerate of other people’s comfort is degrading. It makes us feel like second-class citizens and we are already having to deal with the fact that we are responsible for twice as much luggage, carry-on and passengers as most other travellers. We also have to give up our right to having a seat to ourselves during the flight - we are obligated to share our seat with someone who has no concept of personal space.  We forfeit the chance to tune out for the duration of the flight with headphones, televisions and newspapers/books/magazines as our attention is usually required every. minute.

Nursing our babies may be the only small relief we get during our time aboard your aircraft and your interruption of that process is nothing short of inhumane.

2. Most of us want to be discreet when we nurse.  That means different thing for different people. For some that means covering with a blanket, for some just trying not to flash our breasts too gratuitously.  Despite your insinuation to the contrary, most of us really don’t want to attract attention while we’re in such an intimate and vulnerable position. But your insistence on trying to mandate how we feed our infant is completely inappropriate for several reasons.

• First, do you know how LONG it takes some of us to learn how to breastfeed? It can take us months to work out a system with our infant that works for us. Sometimes it’s painful. It’s always draining. Now we’re stuck in an unfamiliar setting with limited space and we’re trying to make it work as best we can under the circumstances. You can’t imagine how very unhelpful your comments are in this scenario.
• Second, have you ever tried to breastfeed a baby that doesn’t want a blanket over their face? Some of them REALLY HATE IT and keeping them covered while nursing is like trying to make ice cream on the surface of the sun. Futile. Offering us a blanket does not make your suggestion any less offensive. It just showcases your ignorance. A nursing mother will HAVE a blanket if she needs one. She even knows how to use her words and ask for one if she has forgotten hers. You don’t require other passengers to cover their faces while they eat, stop trying to interfere.
• Third, we really don’t need to remind you of our right to breastfeed our baby in public without being harassed, do we? If it makes other people uncomfortable it’s YOUR JOB as a flight attendant to remind them of the nursing mother’s rights, not to encroach on those rights by asking us to cover up.

3. In this day and age, when science and medicine bombards mothers with the reasons why we should breastfeed our infants, your subtle message that nursing is somehow obscene is akin to telling your passengers to forgo seatbelts because they are inconvenient. All that buckling and restraint! It makes other passengers uncomfortable! They don’t want to watch you and your awkward seatbelt! Your buckling up is not appropriate in public! But we still think you should use that seatbelt in the privacy of your own vehicle, don’t get us wrong!

We are under incredible pressure to breastfeed and for many of us it is a hard choice to make. It is a choice we make gladly because it’s best for our children, but it is not without a price. Contrary to popular belief, nursing is not always easy. Some mothers sacrifice a hell of a lot in order to nurse their children and when companies like WestJet try to invalidate our decision by treating us like we are shooting a pornographic video in seat 12B the message is hard to ignore. 

So here’s what you need to do. You need to formally apologize to Catherine Connors at Her Bad Mother. And you need to mean it. If WestJet wants to be known as a family-friendly airline or, for that matter, an airline that supports basic human rights, you are going to have to change your strategy. You are going to have to train your employees to be the champions of human rights, rather than the hounds that nip at the heels of women who are already dealing with a whole world of pressure. Teach respect and tolerance and the basic dignity and rights of all humans and you will be rewarded with the kind of customer loyalty and advertising that you can’t buy for any amount of money. Because mothers? They talk to each other! And our voices can get pretty loud, as you may remember from your own childhood, MR./MISS JACK. ASS. WESTJETOWNER! YOUSMARTENUPRIGHTNOWYOUNGMAN/LADY!!!

We aren’t asking for more than you offer your other passengers. Our needs are just a little different. Offer us the respect you give other travellers and you will find you will be well rewarded. Your reputation hangs in the balance!

Regards,
A Travelling Mother

air travel, baby, breastfeeding, parenting, standing up | 6 Comments »

Can I just say that I am really enjoying the last few weeks/months of Kieran’s babyhood.  I tried to enjoy him a little more than I did with Avery. The first time round I was so stressed out from lack of sleep and the pressure of not knowing what I was doing.  This time has been a bit better.  I’m less stressed from worrying about doing things wrong.  But I’m still pretty tired. Avery was a consistently bad sleeper til she was about 8 or 9 months. Kieran has been an inconsistent sleeper which is almost more frustrating because every once in a while he’ll have a great night and then the next night will be terrible and all the nights after that will be terrible, too, and I just want to slit my wrists.  He is 11 months and I keep thinking we’ve GOT to hit that hump some time where he’ll magically start sleeping through the night just about every night.  I need that to start soon.

But I have realized that his first birthday is looming on the horizon already.  In fact, it’s more like it’s rushing at me like a sugar-crazed toddler on a tricycle, and I am not sure I’m ready for it. He’s losing his “babyness” so quickly.  So while I’m here at my parents house, just chilling, I’m trying to savour his delicious chubby baby thighs and his fat little neck and cheeks. I nibble on baby for breakfast every morning with eggs.  So good!  Maybe it’s because Avery has had some kind of a growth spurt recently and has shot up to become a gangly-legged kid and not just a preschooler any more.  Maybe it’s because Kieran is figuring out how to pull himself up to a standing position or that he’s rapidly learning how to walk or that he is starting to climb the stairs with the reckless abandon of a toddler, or maybe it’s just that right now I have time to pay more attention, but it seems to be going even more quickly than I thought possible and I know that in a year or two it will be very hard to conjure up the memory of what he was like at this age and that even the little video clips I take with my camera will seem to be of a different child altogether.  So I will continue to munch on baby whenever the opportunity presents itself, as long as the baby is available.

baby, family, mommy stuff | No Comments »

My son is disgusted by my apparent reluctance to let him stick his fingers up my nose.  I’m all for exploration and discovery but this crosses the line.

With the advent of mobility, the word “NO” has been making a comeback in our household. Unfortunately, Kieran just looks at me curiously when I say “no”.  He doesn’t get it.  And he enjoys the reaction he gets when I’m shrieking “NO!  Don’t stick your hand in the VCR!  NO!  Don’t eat that dirt!!!”  and he continues doing whatever he is doing.  This is a hard stage. But his little bum-scootching-crawl is pretty cute. He’s been sleeping a little better which has been really nice.  But I’m sure getting tired of giving him antibiotics. It’s a huge pain in the rear.

baby, Kieran, parenting, sleep | 3 Comments »

This describes my life of late as much as Kieran’s.  We are into our second round of antibiotics for an ear infection that just isn’t going away.  I am out of patience and so tired.  I hope it works this time.  It’s a good thing this kid is cute.  Because he can’t hear very well with all the fluid in his ears so he is yelling ALL. THE. TIME.  Even his happy sounds are reach a volume that is liable to make my ears bleed.

baby, ear infections, Kieran, sleep | 2 Comments »

Ok so not quite a thousand words. I uploaded a lot of pictures to my flickr account recently and I wanted to post some of them. I’m sure some of you will look at them and think “Dude! You posted the exact same picture like 20 times!” I know it may appear that these are all the same. But to me they are all very different. The expressions on my kids’ faces and the ways they are moving and posing. My husband makes fun of me because I take a hundred pictures of the same event. But it’s sooo hard to choose just one. There is something special about each one. Damn you digital photography!

See how my kids just love each other so much? I only had to bribe Avery with a pony and a bucket of sugar to get her to do this.

And above Kieran concentrates as he attempts to manoeuver himself to some object which I have expressly forbidden him to touch.

And Avery getting annoyed with her mother who wants to do a photo session when she has much more important things to be doing.

 Here Avery is trying out her puddle boots. This is before she emptied all the water from the street into the boots.

This is Kieran’s “preacher pose” which I have been seeing a lot lately. I always expect to hear “I see that hand! Praise Jeeeeezus!” coming out of him when he does this.

And this is his attempt at crawling. One foot on the ground and the other kind of dragging behind. It is awkward but he is getting around.

 Just a cute smile and I love this little jacket.

 Here is Kieran eating the National Geographic Magazine I posted about a few days ago.

Avery, baby, Kieran, the good stuff | No Comments »

This is the child that wants to pick out clothes for every member of our family.  The shirt and skirt were picked out by her mother but the “accessories” (read: pink mittens, blue plastic high heels with feather accents, and blue synthetic make up bag doubling as a purse) were all chosen by her.  I am trying to convince her that I have survived 26 years without her fashion advice but she just looks at me with pity as if I am completely hopeless.

Kieran is still not crawling although he will occasionally make an attempt at it.  It progresses something like this:

First, he enjoys a sitting position and considers the possibility that mobility could prove useful.

Next, he throws himself forward with reckless abandon.

Once on his stomach, he looks to me with an expression that says “I am trying to convince myself that I like this, but it’s not working.”…

…which is followed by this expression.  I think that pretty much says it all.

Needless to say, there has been no actual crawling, as he refuses to stay on his stomach long enough to figure it out. Although we have been seeing some movement in the form of “scootching” in which he puts his arms in crawling position (while still sitting) and drags his lower body around like a paralyzed puppy.  It can be amusing.

Avery, baby, funny stuff, Kieran | 2 Comments »

The “child that never sleeps” has finally cut his top two teeth which is fantastic.  However he is, as his name suggests, still NOT SLEEPING.  Driving me a little bit crazy. And so, in the spirit of discontentment which is my life right now, I offer up some links about motherhood and how sometimes it is not fulfilling and how mommies are often not as cool as we want to be.

baby, good readin', Kieran, mommy stuff, sleep | 2 Comments »