Well, we have been officially registered with our chosen country for our adoption since Aug. 5, 2010. With only 7 months of “waiting” under our belts, we are by no means old pros at this. Many have waited much longer and our wait is yet not close to over (as far as we know).  We are so new to this whole adoption scene and we have had only very limited exposure to other adoptive families, although we’re working to change that. I often feel like I have no idea what I’m doing and yet, I’m the one who is most often giving out information to my friends and family!

I am quickly learning that, like anyone who makes a less conventional lifestyle choice, I do sometimes have to dispel myths or educate people about the realities of adoption. While adoptive families are not that unusual, I do notice that there are certain remarks that people sometimes make that cause my blood pressure to rise just a smidge. I know that most people mean well and try not to let it get to me, but I thought this is a forum where I can get out some of the things that have been irking me and perhaps give some constructive suggestions for people who are interacting with those in the process of adoption.

As I said above, I am not even close to an expert on this topic. I will share my thoughts and I will preface this by saying that this is my personal take on this subject and many people may feel differently than I do. I also don’t want my “real-life” friends and family to feel they can’t ask us questions or talk to us about the adoption because that’s the last thing I want to communicate!

So, with all those disclaimers, here are Shannon’s Tips on Things to Say/Things Not to Say To Prospective Adoptive Parents:

Don’t say “They drag the process out so that they can milk every last penny out of you,” or otherwise imply that we are being scammed by corrupt governments or people. Yes, everyone is aware there is corruption in some places and some people have occasionally been taken advantage of by unscrupulous individuals. This does not mean that anyone having to do with intercountry adoption is corrupt and out to make a buck. Accusing us of adopting from a country whose government is unethical presumes first of all that we have not done our homework and/or are allowing ourselves to be maniuplated or taken advatage of. But more importantly, it presumes that we are taking part in something unethical and that we are contributing to the “sale” of children. We are not purchasing a child. The Hague Convention was designed to prevent this and most families adopt from Hague Convention countries. We are and will continue to be strongly opposed to the practice of selling children and it is very difficult in Canada to adopt from a non-Hague Convention country for this reason.

Do ask us what the costs associated with our adoption are used for. It does not go to the hands of the “foreign government” as has been suggested to me by many people who lack concrete information. It does not go into the hands of con artists or people who are taking advantage of prospective adoptive families. There are specific purposes for each cost and we have a detailed breakdown of where every penny goes. Do take the time to talk to us and ask how we can be sure we are not taken advantage of and what we know about corruption in the adoption process. It is not as simple as Child A in Country B just needs to make their way to Family C in Country D and what’s the problem? Which leads me to…

Don’t disparage the paperwork and process which is part of adoption. It exists for a purpose. Yes, it’s true that biological parents don’t need to go through this process in order to have their children. I think we can all agree adopting is a different. We appreciate that you think we will make great parents, but the rest of the world doesn’t know us as well as you do and in order to be sure that each child is going from a safe environment to a safe environment, the paperwork and processes are necessary. They are in place to protect the child that will some day be a part of our family and even though we sometimes get tired of the red tape, we understand that this process keeps OUR (soon-to-be) child safe. Your negative comments will not help us to keep a positive attitude when we are working through this process.

Do ask us about the purpose for the paperwork/process. There might not be a lot you can do to help with paperwork but offer to be a reference or offer to babysit (if there are other children in the home) so that parents can devote the time needed to filling out forms, driving around to collect documentation or see professionals to get forms signed. There is a lot running around to get all the paperwork together in the beginning of the process and a little support goes a long way! The best thing you can do is to have a constructive attitude and help us to feel that the paperwork we are doing is important, rather than meaningless busywork.

Don’t ask us why we didn’t adopt one of the many children in our own country who need homes. This feels like an accusation, a judgement of our choice to adopt internationally. There are many reasons people that people make the choice to adopt either domestically or internationally. Some people have connections to certain parts of the world through family or friends, some people simply have an opportunity to adopt fall into their laps (either domestically or abroad), some people make choices based on financial, cultural, religious or other personal reasons. But more often than not it comes down to where a particular person or couple or family’s passion lies. Don’t assume we haven’t thought about domestic adoption or made an informed and thoughtful decision.

Therefore, do ask why we feel passionately about international adoption, or the country of our choice.

Don’t be the expert. Please understand that every single country works differently, has a different process, different requirements for prospective parents to meet (including everything from your history of mental and other types of illness to your body mass index to your ability to have children, age, length of marriage, sexual orientation, religion, family size etc.) and different documentation requirements. Just because you know someone who adopted from X doesn’t mean it will help me adopting from Y. Just because someone had a bad experience adopting from W doesn’t mean the same will happen to us adopting from V. Don’t offer advice unless you are asked or you have specific knowledge pertaining to a certain area (ie. you work for immigration Canada and know something about getting passports/etc.).

Do ask me questions without judging based on things you’ve heard from others. Do ask what specific requirements or steps we are required to meet in our particular process and how that might differ from other countries.

Don’t accuse the country that we are adopting from of being unreasonable or having unfair expectations. We believe in promoting respect for our child’s country and, again, you are implying that we haven’t done our research. We have spent countless hours trying to figure out this process and we believe it is the right of the other country to create their own definition of a “good” family. While this may be hard to accept when it does not fall within our own personal definitions of what makes a good family, it is their right to do so and we believe that they are doing what they believe is in the best interest of our child.

Do ask how things are going with the process, but be prepared for me to say “no, nothing has changed, we’re still waiting.” I know this is not the same for everyone, nor can I guarantee that I will continue to feel this way if we end up waiting for longer than anticipated. But it is nice to know that people have not forgotten that we are “expecting”. I find it nice to talk about the future when our child will be home with us.

Wow, that got long, didn’t it? I hope I haven’t scared people out of talking to adoptive families in waiting! I think it all boils down to one thing…ask, don’t tell!  Most people are able to judge when a person simply wants to make themselves feel knowledgeable by sharing a gruesome story about someone they know who had problems adopting and someone who genuinely cares for you and is interested in what you are experiencing. If you ask sincere questions, rather than make judgements, you are unlikely to go wrong. I have been lucky to have a lot of caring people in my life who have been very supportive of our adoption plans.

adoption | 2 Comments »

Dear Chosen Child,

This week we received word that we are officially registered in your country of birth. We are now officially waiting. Expecting. For several weeks already, in fact. We were told that we were registered as of August 5. I feel like I did when I learned I was pregnant – like something amazing was going on for quite some time without my knowledge, a secret miracle.

Because, as I’ve said before, sweet child, I may not carry you in my body, but I carry you in my heart. At the risk of sounding overly sappy or romanticizing the waiting process, I am finding my thoughts and emotions very similar to when I was pregnant with your brother and sister. You are always there in the back of my mind, a possibility hovering in the mist.

Whenever I imagine the future you are always in the picture. When I think of Christmases and family holidays and going to the park and out for dinner and the first day of school and so many every day things, I think of you and how you will fit into us. Every time I pack up another bag of your sister’s clothes I think of you and imagine dressing you in them some day, deciding which precious items I will keep for you. When I sort through toys that are no longer used I picture you using them. I speculate about what you will like and what your personality will be, how you get along with Avery and Kieran, and just what it will be like when you are finally here, a part of us. No matter which way a child comes to you, expecting is basically the same. Anticipation. Imagination. Hope. Joy.

Love,
Mommy

PS-This is us, waiting for you to come home.

adoption, dear chosen child | 5 Comments »

Dear Chosen Child,

This week we handed our enormous stack of paperwork off to our social worker to be sent off to one government office and then an adoption agency, and then to your country for translation and eventually to the government of your country and then to the bottom of a pile somewhere. This marks the beginning of our long wait.

We have just finished wading through the madness of homestudies, documentation, doctors’ appointments, criminal record checks, social services checks, lawyers and the seemingly endless details required to be allowed to wait for you. At times it feels overwhelming. A precarious mountain of paperwork to climb before we begin the slow descent towards bringing you home. Many have questioned the need for this much paperwork or the fact that we need to prove ourselves when there are children waiting for families. I’d be lying if I said I never felt even a little resentful. But a wise person has reminded me that while we are looking for a child, there are those who are searching, on your behalf, for a family.

If you ever question whether you were loved before you came to be with us, I can tell you already that I know this to be true. Because while I don’t like that it has to take so long and the red tape is sometimes tiring, it is good to know that there are people out there making sure that you will come to a good home. They don’t just care about getting rid of kids. They are genuinely concerned deeply for the children in their care and want them to have the best homes and lives possible. And while there may be days when you sincerely question their judgment in giving you to us (read: the teenage years), I hope you will feel the true devotion of these special people to seeing you not just live, but flourish.

We have been told to find out all we can about the culture of your birth. In doing so I have realized that I have had some major misconceptions regarding intercountry adoption. Countries do not relinquish their children easily. In North America we can be so egotistical as to believe that countries with orphans who need homes should thank us for adopting. But I have begun to realize how terribly much humility it takes for a government to allow citizens of another country to take and raise their children in a different culture. I have realized that while I have a responsibility to you to teach you about the country and culture of your birth, I also have a responsibility to your country of birth to teach you about the people you come from who loved you and cared for you and gave us the opportunity to love you too.

I have been warned not to call you “Chosen”. Something I never thought of as a bad thing, because I felt that I made the choice to become a parent, by birth and by adoption. Although it can safely be said that that is where my choice ended as I didn’t choose your brother and sister specifically, nor will I have the opportunity to choose you. It was suggested to me that adopted children who have grown up with the label “chosen” sometimes feel tremendous pressure to be…something extraordinary? I’m not sure. Let me be clear: I expect no more than for you to be happy and make the best choices you can in life and to learn from your mistakes. I use “chosen child” for you at this moment because I don’t know you and calling you “Child-who-is-probably-not-born-yet-and-who-I-plan-to-love-until-my-insides-explode” is not practical. I hope you understand.

With all my love,
Mommy

adoption, dear chosen child | 3 Comments »

We’ve been slowly but surely wading through the adoption paperwork and all in all it was moving along pretty smoothly. But now we have hit the first wave of speedbumps (related to red tape and a lack of psychiatric professionals in this province – we require signatures from a psychiatrist to confirm our mental health) and I have to say, it’s frustrating. No big revelation there.

I don’t want or plan for this blog to become all about adoption.  But right now it’s a significant portion of my life and is overwhelmingly in the forefront of my thoughts as we prepare the documents we need to send across the ocean. I haven’t been writing much because I don’t want to write the same things over and over and because I don’t have a whole lot to say. But the blog isn’t forgotten. Thank you to those of you who continue to read even when the material is sparse.

adoption | 2 Comments »

Dear Chosen Child,

This is the first of what may be many letters. The beginning of what will very likely be a long and excruciating and completely unconventional kind of pregnancy. We have been thinking and dreaming about adopting since before we had your brother and sister but only in the past few months have we begun actively proceeding towards that end. As we begin to discuss details and paperwork and plans I spend more and more time dreaming about you. And then it hit me…

You are very likely not even born yet. We expect to wait several years for a referral and with the age limit we have set, it is most likely you will be born in the next 6 to 18 months. We are planning for a child who has not yet been born to a mother who will eventually decide to give you up. Somewhere a woman is pregnant, or will be very soon. Somewhere she is, or will be, feeling and thinking…I don’t know what. I can’t pretend to know. But she is, or will be, carrying you. So I can’t help think about her and be grateful for her and hope that you will keep enough of her inside you to help answer the questions you will no doubt have some day.

Somewhere, you will be born this year. On a day I won’t know and a time I won’t realize. My heart hurts, knowing your dad and I won’t be there right from the start but that’s going to be a fact of our relationship. Your beginning will be special. You will touch other people’s lives before you touch ours. But you will be in our hearts from the beginning, before we know you.

Right now I feel somewhat overwhelmed by the paperwork involved in getting permission to wait for you. But the fact that this road will eventually lead to bringing you into our arms is giving me the motivation I need.

Meanwhile, I think of you and I think of the mother who will carry you in her body while I carry you in my heart. She and I are connected, and always will be. It is heartbreaking that for you to come into our family she will have to let you go. But it is beautiful, too. I promise you this, we won’t forget her.

Maybe it sounds like I have a romanticized view of this process. Believe me, I am doing my best to understand the realities of adopting. I know there will obstacles while we wait, challenges when we meet, hurdles as we bond. But I am choosing to believe that even though we are sacrificing witnessing the first few years of your life by taking this path, it will be worth it in the end to know you. I believe it will be worth it for you to be a part of our family.

Holding you in my heart until then,
Mommy

adoption, dear chosen child | 3 Comments »

I haven’t mentioned it yet but I’m happy to say that we have received our acceptance  from the Saskatchewan Ministry of Social Services to pursue adoption. It’s probably the most painless step of the whole process so not so much a big accomplishment as it is actual evidence that we are headed down this road for real now!

Our next step is an interview/meeting with our social worker which will happen in a few days. I am not totally sure what that meeting will entail. Talking through our adoption plan, discussing the homestudy, what else? I’m not clear. But after that meeting I think we will be cleared to begin the homestudy process which is a big part of the dossier we will send to our chosen country.  Now THAT I will be nervous about! Nothing like putting your whole life and family under a microscope!

In other news, Kieran seems to be coming to grips with his own mortality. Yes, that’s right. My three year old is having an existential crisis over the fact that he will die someday. Not everyone approaches teaching their kids about death in the same way. We have always taken a very honest, but age-appropriate approach.  Avery encountered death at a very early age when her uncle died of cancer. We explained the concept as best we could at a 2-year-old level. She listened, processed, discussed, and moved on.

But the perils of having an older sister well-informed about the concept of death means a certain three year old boy has been perhaps given information at a time and in a way that he was not prepared for. It almost certainly does not help that she told him the other day that if he watched too much tv his heart would stop beating! Nothing like a little Grim Reaper with your morning cartoons!

I’ll tell you one thing. Comforting a weeping child who is afraid of dying is no picnic. Thus far, distraction has proven to be the most effective technique. We discuss the things we’re going to do tomorrow, next week, and when he grows up. It’s the only thing that seems to work at this point. I’m sure time and maturity will help. Until then, we are trying to focus on life around here!

adoption, Kieran, life and death | No Comments »

Here’s the thing: I think 2010 (and possibly the following couple of years) is going to be full of patience-trying obstacles and frustrating bureaucracy.  I’m trying to prepare myself because being ready for it takes away the initial sting if not the full ache.

And now I know some of you are totally scratching your heads and wondering what the hell I’m talking about. So here it is. 2010 is the year our family begins the journey of adoption. We have been discussing and planning for this for years.  We intended to start the process years ago but, as you know if you have been following me for a while, we started moving across the country, south to the states and there was no way for us to begin without being settled in a location for the foreseeable future. Well, now we are settled and have done our initial research in choosing a country and learning more about the process and we will be submitting our first application to the government in the next week or so. That is the beginning of the waiting.

The waiting is what I am both trying to prepare for and realizing there will be no preparing.  All you can do with waiting is try and distract yourself. But you still have to wait. You can expect to hear a lot about the waiting here.

I haven’t yet decided how much I am going to say about the process yet, or if I’m going to talk about the country we’ve chosen or other aspects of the journey. I may share all the details or only some. But I am really excited to finally be taking steps to bring a third child into our family and I wanted to post about it here.

And here are a few pictures from Christmas because I know everyone likes a little bling and I am not always good about posting pictures.

The tooth fairy FINALLY visited our house. Avery was thrilled!

And then the tooth fairy was back for a second tooth not long after. The tooth fairy is going to have to take out a line of credit. Avery is quickly learning that loosing teeth is a fairly lucrative business!

Avery’s look of horror upon opening the big box she thought contained a piano only to discover the wine glasses and umbrellas daddy had hidden inside.

The kids on Christmas Eve, dressed in their Christmas best. I love Kieran’s hat. My uncle called him Hinz Giesbrecht (a really menno sounding name) at our family gathering because he thought the hat was 100% old school German Mennonite. I still love it.

adoption, Christmas, waiting | 8 Comments »