Dec 29

Did I say I would post tomorrow? In my house tomorrow equals some time in the future which may or may not be the day following today. In this case tomorrow equals four days. I’m complicated. Get over it.

So I was going to tell you about how the hubby attempted to completely extinguish our daughter’s Christmas spirit on Christmas day. Here’s how it started: The hubby and I decided to buy each other an electric piano for Christmas this year. We’ve been putting off buying a piano for probably 2 years and it’s something we really wanted so that our kids can take lessons. (Piano lessons are non-negotiable in my house, at least for a few years. I think a basic understanding of music is incredibly important.) Calling it a Christmas present helped us justify dropping a fairly sizeable chunk of change. So the hubby picked up the piano from Costco a week before Christmas and we agreed to leave it in the (rather large) box until Christmas morning so we could have the fun of opening it that day.

Avery knew we planned to buy a piano and was pretty sure that was what was in the box, seeing as it said “digital piano” right on the side. However, the hubby likes to make our kids really use their thinkers and he asked her how she could be sure that a piano was in the box. He pointed out that a piano was much bigger than this box and that there were pictures of wine glasses and umbrellas on the box, not pianos, and didn’t that indicate that the box contained wine glasses and umbrellas?

It was enough to shake her confidence and although she still felt she was probably right she just couldn’t be completely sure. She begged us to open the box so she could see what was inside but we held firm for the Christmas morning deadline.

After the kids were tucked into bed and sound asleep on Christmas Eve the hubby’s devious side got the best of him and he unpacked the piano, set it up, and covered it with blankets in a corner. Then he repacked the box with wine glasses from our cupboard and our own umbrellas, taped it all up, and left it for the morning.

Well you really just can’t imagine the utter disappointment on our daughter’s face when we opened that box Christmas morning and there was NO piano inside. Luckily Daddy quickly revealed the hidden piano and order was restored to the universe.

And that, my friends, is how the hubby almost ruined Christmas for our daughter. But didn’t.

Next, I said I would tell you about my favourite gift of the holiday season. As I mentioned above, the hubby and I agreed to buy the piano for each other for Christmas. I thought about buying him some little thing so he would have a present to open from me but decided that the best present I could give the hubby is to not spend anymore money, as his blood pressure tends to go up this time of year when (it seems to him) every time I come in the door I’m carrying more “presents” and all he sees is dollar signs. Aren’t I thoughtful?

But the hubby, because he knows how very much I like presents, and how I may have gotten just a tiny wee bit resentful after having to do every bit of the baking, decorating, shopping, wrapping and planning for Christmas on my own, got me a couple of presents “from the kids”. Isn’t he smart thoughtful?

So on Christmas morning I opened up my very own Roomba! Oh yes he did! The hubby got me a robot that vacuums for me for Christmas! It’s possibly the most considerate gift I’ve EVER gotten!  And I love it! It’s not going to completely replace me and I still have to keep cords and toys and stuff out of the way. If I want it to clean under the table I have to move the chairs for it. But it means one less job for me to do and I couldn’t be happier!  I am going to have a bumper sticker made…

Robotic Vacuum Cleaners: Bringing Romance Back Since Christmas 2009!

Dec 25

From Swistle:

Eggnog or hot chocolate? Neither. Not a fan of hot drinks.

Does Santa wrap the presents or leave them open under the tree? I usually pick a couple of gifts that are a big deal to be from Santa and wrap them in separate Santa paper that nothing else gets wrapped in. The rest are from me and the hubby because I refuse to give all the credit for fantastic gift selections to a fictional person.

Colored lights on a tree or white? I like white lights – but they have to be the soft white, which is why I haven’t purchased LEDs. I’m not convinced that even the soft white lights will be as nice as regular bulbs and the cold white lights make me want to poke my eyes out.

Do you hang mistletoe? No. Do people actually do that? Not sure I’ve ever seen someone actually hang mistletoe and expect people to kiss random people. I don’t plan to be smooching on anyone except my family members during H1N1 season!

When do you put your decorations up? The very end of November or early December. If the hubby whines that it’s too early for Christmas decorations when I pull the boxes out then I’m pretty much right on time.

What is your favorite holiday dish? Stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy. Which is weird because I never really like stuffing until I was pregnant with my second baby and it became a pregnancy craving. Now I really enjoy it at Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? No. We are mean parents and make everyone wait for Christmas morning. Although the kids each get a new pair of pajamas on Christmas Eve night to wear that night. Mostly so they will look cute in the pictures on Christmas morning and not wearing ratty mismatched pajamas.

How do you decorate your Christmas tree? When I first had a home of my own I was determined to have a “theme” on my Christmas tree. I thought that was super classy. So I bought a set of wooden angels with phrases on them like “peace on earth” and “joy to the world” as well as some copper coloured metal ornaments in a variety of shapes (star, stocking etc.).  And lo, it was a theme.  But it turns out I really didn’t have enough to decorate a whole tree with those ornaments. And I had a collection of old ornaments, given to me throughout my childhood, that I took with me when I left home and I felt those deserved a place on my tree. So they were added even though they didn’t fit with my theme. And then it turned out that my carefully chosen angel ornaments soon showed themselves to be of the “country kitchen” decorating style which really isn’t my style, and yet I find them hard to part with. But I slowly began to fill up with other ornaments that I received as gifts or purchased here and there. I decided my new theme would simply be “angels” in general. Because I like angels and there are so many pretty angel ornaments out there. And then I had kids. And the kids are quickly collecting ornaments of their own and only a few of them fit with my theme. So finally I admitted defeat and accepted that I will have a mismash of new and old and totally random decorations on my tree and that is ok because each of them is special to me and make me feel happy and that is what the tree should be. It also gives me permission to purchase any pretty decorations I happen to find on post-Christmas sales! Oh, and despite my angel fixation, I like to have a star on top of my tree.

Snow: love it or hate it? I’ll admit it looks pretty when it’s fresh and powdery. But I’d have no problem accepting a snowless Christmas. I hate the cold.

Can you ice skate? I used to be able to skate. It’s been a lot of years since I last did it.

What is your favorite holiday dessert? Butter tarts. I know most Americans don’t know what these are. It’s basically a raisin tart which doesn’t sound at all appetizing. But it’s got lots of brown sugary syrupy goodness in there and if you’ve never had them you are absolutely missing out. Merry Christmas.

What is your favorite holiday tradition? I love advent traditions. I’m still chasing after the perfect advent calendar. I made one this year that I am only moderately happy with. The kids enjoyed it. We also tried wrapping our Christmas books and opening one each night to read, a la Amazing Trips which was a really nice idea and I think we will continue to do that in the future. Also, Christmas Eve, when we go to a candlelight church service early in the evening and then come home to sit in low lighting with candles lit and Christmas music playing and eat all kinds of yummy treats until our stomachs hurt.

Candy canes: yum or yuck? Not a fan.

Favorite Christmas show? White Christmas.

And it’s now just 20 minutes until December 26 so I am just squeaking this in as a Christmas post. Wishing you and yours a peaceful holiday and contentment in the New Year.

Tune in tomorrow to hear how the hubby nearly single-handedly spoiled our daughter’s Christmas morning but saved the day and then rocked my world with what could be the world’s most awesome Christmas present.

Dec 16

Dear Three Year Old,

I know you don’t remember the first year of your life or the way I was a total wreck because of never getting to sleep through the night perfectly delightful all the time but you can trust me, I was. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that you are three, or any specific developmental phase or the fact that you just don’t want to go to sleep in your own bed, but the multiple night-time trips to wake me up t is taking it’s toll my darling.

I fully appreciate your vivid imagination and how it is constantly evaluating the likelihood that a monster of unimaginable horror is about to burst out of your closet and violate the sanctity of your bedroom, but I’m going to need you to get a grip here pretty soon. Although I want to be compassionate, I also want to be well rested.  In a contest between maternal love and blessed slumber, sleep is going to win every time. And sleep is less than restful when it is routinely interrupted by “Um…..mum?”.

Sweetheart, I’m not above playing the Santa card and threatening a call to the North Pole if you don’t knock it off. It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s just that you deserve a mother who is not an ogre. So please, my angel, let’s put an end to the nightly visits so I can once again be a moderately pleasant human being dazzle the world with my spectacular mothering while shooting rainbows out of my rear end.

Affectionately yours,
Mommy

Dec 14

You know how people sometimes want to raise money for a variety of good causes – like, say, a local public school – and they invite people who want to help raise money to donate gently used items to be sold in a garage-type sale.  The organization collects donations that may or may include such treasures as:

  1. A set of my little ponies, one of which is painted/coloured all over with white paint/chalk and looks in rough shape as well as a my little pony that is actually a sheep but looks like a pony with smallpox.
  2. A Christmas tree ornament inscribed with the year “2001″.
  3. A hard plastic case that opens like a clamshell, intended to hold eye make up. Almost certainly from the 1980’s.  Contains no make up but half a dozen eye shadow applicators, apparently unused.
  4. A set of half a dozen cardboard coasters with “Coors Light” on them. (Can an elementary school sell an alcohol related item for profit?)
  5. Two muppets/Sesame Street “sticker books” circa 1985 (according to the copyright on the book). 1985 being the era when sticker meant you have to punch out a paper image along the perforated line and lick the back in order to adhere to the picture like when sealing an envelope. Kids probably get brain damage from licking those things.
  6. All manner of UGLY used candle holders.
  7. Figurine of all shapes and sizes. Who doesn’t want a white ceramic naked angel baby or a tiny pioneer woman wearing a Miss America sash? (Can an elementary school sell nude statues for profit?)
  8. Raggedy, nasty, stained stuffed animals. Some almost certainly dating back to MY childhood.
  9. A decorative doll that looks like a corpse and winds up to play “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” while her head sways back and forth in a super crreepy fashion.

If I were helping with the sorting of such items I might just compose a letter to the (almost unilaterally well-off) parents of the school that went some like this:

Dear Parents,

The purpose of a fundraiser, as you may or may not be aware, is to RAISE FUNDS.  The purpose of a loonie/twoonie table is to allow the young children of our school to buy Christmas gifts for family members that they can purchase without assistance from parents.  By emptying out your garbage cans or the boxes you haven’t opened since 1987 into your donation boxes you are accomplishing neither of these goals as we cannot, in good conscience, sell your shit to innocent schoolchildren and, if we do not sell anything, we will not raise any funds. If you didn’t want your trash you should throw it in your local waste disposal container, commonly referred to as a GARBAGE CAN. If you wouldn’t like to receive a dirty Sylvester the Cat  stuffy for Christmas, maybe you shouldn’t be sending your corpse doll for our sale?

The idea of this sale is not to find items that are worth 25 or 10 cents and sell them for such, but rather, to find good quality, gently or never-used items that are worth quite a bit, and sell them for only a little because we want our children to experience the joy of giving and to raise a little cash for a good cause.

Get your heads out of your rear ends and wake up! The items you throw away each week are better than what you sent to raise money for the school your precious offspring attend! And if you think that we don’t know that a very high percentage of you bastards are making twice or three times as much as the teachers who educate your children you are so very wrong!

Yours disdainfully,
A fellow parent

Lucky for the administration at my school, it certainly wasn’t me who was sorting that shit. Ahem.

Dec 11

Avery has not even lost her first tooth and the whole ordeal has been completely traumatizing already. Her first loose tooth showed up around Thanksgiving. It was a much anticipated event and she wasted no time. She talked constantly about what it would be like to finally have lost a tooth! I’m not sure what exactly she is expecting but she’s pretty sure it’s going to be magical. The tooth fairy stuff sounds pretty good to her, too.

Alas, we are two months past the initial excitement and only JUST getting to the point where the tooth could be considered almost loose enough to pull. Is it just me or is that a REALLY long time? (Oh yes, for my American friends, when I said her tooth became loose at Thanksgiving I meant Canadian Thanksgiving which was the second Monday in October).  I remember it taking a few days or a week for a loose tooth to come out when I was a child. This is bordering on absurd.

Back to the trauma…it’s the pulling that’s scarring us all. We’ve now tried to pull it about half a dozen times with no success. We seem to be failing at one of the central tenets of parenthood – the tooth extraction. The hubby manages to elicit great sobbing wails every time he makes an attempt – usually because he is trying to pull out her gums and not just the tooth. I do not seem to cause as much agony but perhaps that’s just because I’m not pulling hard enough? Or maybe we have jumped the gun altogether and are attempting to pull the tooth prematurely? Regardless, the result is TRAUMA.

At the rate we are going she’ll still just start losing teeth as she enters high school. And nothing says “Ridicule me” like a 14 year old missing her two front teeth. I can hear it now: “My name ith Avery and I am thuper exthited to be thtarting high thchool!”

If you’re looking for me, I’ll be researching reputable therapists in the area. I’m sure Avery is going to have a lot to talk about.

Dec 6

It’s been a really long time since I did a book post and I’m thinking it’s to share some of our recent favourites in the children’s book department.  With Christmas approaching I know almost anyone who has a child to buy for could use some suggestions. So without further ado…

The Seven Silly Eaters by Mary Ann Hoberman has been one of our favourite books since we first purchased it I think two years ago. I absolutely love reading it as I am a huge fan of well-crafted rhyme (it is much more rare than you would think). The story is cute and the illustrations are fantastic and full of detail and the story is silly and entertaining for kids of a variety of ages.

Harvey Potter’s Balloon Farm by Jerdine Nolen is a book we happened upon at the library one time. Sometimes you pick a bunch of random books and hope to score and we scored big time when we brought this one home. It’s a tale of a man who grows balloons, as you can probably deduce from the title. Again, it has amazing illustrations of fields full of balloons of all shapes and sizes and it does my imagination good to read it. I like the message of not only tolerating, but embracing folks who are different and I also like the angle that suggests that a little mystery can be good for us.

The Gingerbread Girl by Lisa Campbell Ernst was a book I knew my daughter would love before I ever showed it to her. She had been learning about the tale of the gingerbread man at school and she was thrilled to see this sequel to the story (in which the little old woman makes a gingerbread girl to replace the lost gingerbread boy and the gingerbread girl outwits the devious fox and tames him). Again, very interesting illustrations, an empowering story about learning from the mistakes of others, and my daughter always likes to read the repetitive parts with me.

The Story of Peter Rabbit , Abridged. Everyone knows this classic story by Beatrix Potter and to be honest, I wasn’t that excited about it. We found it on sale at Winners and my son wanted it so we brought it home. And then we read it about five times a day for the next several months. What can I say? I guess the cautionary tale hit home for my 3 year old! I would have read it as many times as he requested just to hear him attempt to say “Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail and Peter” which is a mouthful for a little guy.

M is for Mischief: An A to Z of Naughty Children by Linda Ashman is another random library win. Fantastic rhyme which is almost guaranteed to win me over, combined with interesting illustration and 26 different mini-lessons about good manners told in a humorous way makes it a new favourite at our house. I may be purchasing this one in the future. It’s not often you find stories that are as enjoyable for parents as they are for kids.

The Donut Chef by Bob Staake was given to us as a gift. I had never heard of Bob Staake or any of his books until we picked up this one and I was an instant fan. The illustrations are very different but awesome. Again, amazing rhyme and an engaging story. However you may find yourself licking the pages or ready to drive yourself straight to the nearest donut store by the time you finish looking at page after page of yummy donuts! Consider yourself warned!

Not a Box by Antoinette Portis is short and sweet but it definitely captures my kids imaginations. If you’ve ever shaken your head in bewilderment while your kids play in the boxes their toys came in, this book will resonate with you. On every page the narrator asks the rabbit why he’s playing in/on/etc. a box and my kids love to chime in with the rabbit and yell “IT’S NOT A BOX!”.

The Gruffalo by Julia Donaldson and Axel Scheffler. This duo has written a bunch of books that are well loved at our house (The Gruffalo’s Child, The Stick Man, The Snail and the Whale, The Spiffiest Giant in Town). Some people just have a talent for writing fantastic rhyme and Donaldson and Scheffler are no exception. Both myself and both by kids really enjoy the way the mouse outsmarts all his predators.

Monkey Business by Wallace Edwards is going to be under the tree for my kids this Christmas. I was only recently introduced to Edwards and I am already a huge fan of both his text and his illustrations. In this book each page illustrates a popular idiom (bull in a china shop, eating your words, etc.) and the pictures are guaranteed to make you chuckle. I can’t wait for Christmas morning so we can start reading! I’ve also admired Edwards books Mixed Beasts and Alphabeasts which are also completely fascinating.

Blueberry Girl by Neil Gaiman is not a book I have actually read with my kids. We own and absolutely love some of his other children’s books (The Day the Wolves Came Out of the Walls, The Day I Traded My Dad for Two Goldfish - I highly recommend both!) so I picked this one up at the book store the other day. To be completely honest, I’m not in love with the illustrations which sometimes makes it hard to fully appreciate the text in a story. They aren’t bad, but they’re just not really my style. But that is an incredibly personal thing. But the words are just so beautiful I totally started crying in the bookstore. And if I had purchased this book I would have cried every single time I read it to my kids. It’s sort of a prayer or blessing for a daughter, wishing her all the important qualities in life like kindness and strength and wisdom and I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do because I really really want to own it and yet I’m not sure I’ll ever read it if I do purchase it! Still, I thought it was worth posting about here.

This is already getting long so I’m going to wrap it up here. I could keep going all day as there aren’t many things I enjoy more than talking about my favourite books. But after writing all about them, now I’m ready to go cuddle up with my kids for story time!