Here’s a little piece of free advice for all of you. No charge, just a product of my vast and varied wisdom. Ok, there’s not that much of it. But one thing I DO know about it being sleep deprived after a new baby. Our first child did not sleep well or long til she was close to a year old. That’s not to say she wouldn’t GO to sleep. She just wouldn’t STAY THAT WAY. So even though we were willing to be tough and let her cry it out, it didn’t help when she woke up over and over in the night and fussed all day long, wanting to be swaddled and bounced non-stop. So here is the all time worst thing you can say to a sleep-deprived mother of a newborn:

You need to try and reduce your anxiety and stress. The baby can sense when you are stressed out and that will make them sleep worse.

I had one or two people tell me this in the middle of our colic months when I was one big ball of hysterical, stressed-out, nervous energy.  You want to talk about insensitive?  The translation of that nugget of wisdom is basically “You are a bad, bad mother for feeling the way you do and it is your fault that your baby is unhappy.” Try “reducing your stress” when you are suffering under that kind of guilt.

Her Bad Mother has been posting about her son’s sleep struggles and reading her words almost makes me feel ill, just remembering how hard those months were.  Many commenters had good ideas and suggestions and many just expressed solidarity. Many of us have been there. But of course, there was one who had to say IT.  And while I don’t feel it’s my place to rant on someone else’s blog about my issues with this comment, I clearly feel free to do so here!

Some babies just take longer to adjust to life outside the womb and while it may be true, in some small sense, that a stressed-out mother can contribute to an infant’s sleep issues (although unless the mother is walking around shrieking and throwing her infant around in postpartum madness I can’t believe that it is that significant), telling a woman that her fussy baby is caused by her stress is just plain wrong. In no way does it help. A mother KNOWS she should reduce her stress, for her own sake, if not the baby’s. A mother WANTS to reduce her stress. Does anyone really think people ENJOY that kind of tension? You may believe it, you may think it, you may even say it to others, but saying it to a tired mother only makes you an asshole.

So here are my top suggestions for helping a mother suffering from sleep deprivation. Keep in mind that you need to be aware of individual women’s personalities. Not everyone wants or needs the same things.

1. Ask her what she wants or needs and try to find a way to give it to her. (Ie. If she needs and wants a night of uninterrupted sleep and it’s in your power to do so, then go for it! If she isn’t comfortable forgoing breastfeeding for a whole night, but needs some good naps to help her catch up, see 2.)

2. Don’t offer to come over and watch the baby while she naps. Instead, offer to pick up the baby and keep him/her at your house (or have mom drop off the baby) so mom can sleep at home in peace and quiet.  If the baby is in the same house chances are good that mom will not sleep restfully, if at all. We have become hyper-sensitive to noise and hear every little squawk, even if it’s not an angry howl. We need to be alone to really sleep. If you have time to do this regularly (every day, every week, whatever), do so.

3.  Depending on the person, do the little things that cheer them up and make them happy. Call her on the phone, take her out for coffee, bring her a little gift, send her a card, make a meal and bring it to her home (even better if it’s something that can be frozen and reheated), take her older kids out for a few hours.

4. Help create ways for her to do the things that feed her soul – babysit while she gets a manicure, or reads a book at her favourite coffee shop or goes to the gym. Invite her to go for a walk in the park.

5. If you ask if there’s anything you can do and she says she’s fine but you’re sure she’s not, go ahead and do something! Don’t wait for her to ask. Ask her what day you can babysit or bring her dinner. Not everyone feels comfortable asking for help. I had lots of people offer to babysit or “help out” but many times I was unsure how serious they were or whether they were just being polite. I often felt that if I had actually called them up and asked for their help it would be awkward.  A tired and stressed out mother needs you to take the initiative. If you have practical ways to help, don’t wait to be asked. Just make sure the things you do will not create more work or stress for her.

6. Most importantly, encourage her! There is nothing like exhaustion to make you doubt your ability to parent a squalling infant whose wails you can’t help but take personally and who you increasingly resent.  A mother is incredibly vulnerable in these days, weeks and months (another reason why telling her to just reduce her stress is like a slap in the face). She doesn’t need to hear judgement or empty offers of help. What she needs to hear is that she’s doing a great job. She needs to hear that her baby is doing fine, even if he or she cries all the time. She needs to hear that her best is good enough. She needs to hear that she is a champ for sticking with it and not giving up. She needs to hear that you believe in her and that you see her struggles. She needs affirmation and support.  Some words are needlessly painful. But the right words can go a long way to healing the pain caused by clumsy and insensitive words of people who don’t consider the importance of their words.