This being our first Columbus Day (for Canadians, it was on Canadian Thanksgiving this year), we thought it best to celebrate as the locals do, by shelling out a mortgage payment’s worth of money for the most god-awful “souvenirs” ever created dutifully lining the streets of our small city to watch the annual Columbus Day parade.

It turns out that although Americans apparently are big fans of Columbus, their love does not extend to making Columbus Day a stat holiday. So the hubby had to work and I had the pleasure of taking the rugrats to the parade alone. I decided, on the advice of the neighbours, not to go into Boston for their parade as I wasn’t in the mood for crowds. The site of our local parade was not crowded. I easily found a parking spot just a block away and we settled down on the curb, prepared to be dazzled.

That was my first mistake.

My second mistake was not bringing my camera. Because this parade? Was sixteen kinds of awesome. I am still kicking myself because I am so disappointed not to have any photographic evidence of the tales I have to tell.  I fear the funny will be exponentially less so, without a visual. C’est la vie!

Without further ado, I bring you the first annual Living in the Gray Columbus Day Parade Awards!

Most Unbecoming Parade Attraction: A literal pack of some variety of politicians walking along the street in suits and ties, waving and shaking hands, handing out pamphlets and looking so clean-cut and yet greasy at the same time.

Organization Making Up More Than Half of a Parade: The Aleppo Shriners. They marched, they carried flags, they drove tiny cars and trucks and horse-drawn carriages. I’ve never seen so many goofy hats in one place before.

Float Most Likely to Cause Inappropriate Laughter: A tent-trailer pulled by a half tonne truck, fully extended, with the flaps pinned up and carrying a Shriner quintet singing old-timey hymns and looking suitably somber. And because the one mile parade route was so gruelling for the camper-sitting shriners, their microphones were wired in and hanging down from the ceiling to mouth-level. I’m not going to lie. I laughed right out loud.

Most Annoying Fellow Parade-Watchers: Three chain-smoking moms and their offspring who sat just upwind of us. Even worse, because they made a small crowd, the parade participants kept throwing candy in their direction and just missing my kids. Instead of behaving like grownups and encouraging their progeny to pass some of the candy along to the much younger kids sitting next to them, they scrambled to pick up and eat the candy THEMSELVES! Who the hell does that??? Thankfully the child sitting next to us was mature enough to share some of his good fortune with my kids.

Parade Participant Most Likely to Expire While Marching: A pitiful looking snare drummer who was approximately 128 years old and so hunched over from the weight of the drum and harness, that his knuckles were dragging on the ground. He looked so tired. I wanted to offer to switch places with him, except that I can’t play the drums. And I had doubts about his ability to manage two small kids while simultaneously NOT DYING.

Most Uncomfortable-Looking Costume: One of the marching bands had the traditional tall hats with feathers etc. Except. EXCEPT. The hats must have been designed for people with exceptionally small heads. Because the chin straps were only big enough to fit snugly under each band member’s nose. Seriously! I could not BELIEVE how uncomfortable they looked! I am not exaggerating even a little tiny bit. A nasty plastic strap cutting into your nostrils while trying to march in time and play the saxaphone? No thank you! The band members looked SO MISBERABLE. And who could blame them?

Most Unlikely Entertaining Act: There was a small pack of motorcyclists – I think about 6 of them – who were doing reeeeally slow figure eights where they would criss cross each other’s paths. That was the extent of their stunts. It was totally not what you would call a gripping show. And yet? I was fascinated. On the edge of my seat. Anticipating each figure eight with baited breath. I don’t know what got into me.  

Parade Participants Most Likely to Become the Target of the Local Sniper: The *&^%&$#@% Vendors with big-ass carts full of cheap plastic garbage to hypnotize my kids.  They started peddling their wares on the street before we got there and continued to do so DURING THE PARADE!  This would be less of a big deal if they hadn’t been walking on the street, thus getting between the viewers sitting on the sidewalks and the floats and marching bands on the street. So every 15 seconds, while we were craning our necks to try and see around another stupid cart, we’d hear “Do you kids need something? What can I get you?”.  I almost wished I’d brought money to buy a piece of crap to keep them moving along as they always walked more slowly past the people who weren’t holding five pounds of inflatable hammers and trumpet whistles that could make the ears of a deaf person bleed. Plus, they blocked the candy-throwers! Sacrilege!