“When people show you who they are, believe them.”
-Maya Angelou

This quote has stuck with me over a number of years. It is a lesson that continues to elude me. I recognize the truth of it and yet I cannot quite seem to absorb it enough to allow it to change me. I have to wonder how many times I must be hurt or disappointed by various people in my life before I really get it.

The interesting thing is that it is easy to read more into that sentence than is actually there. For a long time I subconsciously added “so that you can avoid them in the future” or “in order to know with whom you should cut off contact or refrain from having relationships”. But, while I do believe there is an angle of self-protection, it is not so much about saving oneself from pain as it is about truth.

If you really know the truth about a person you will not expect them to be something other than what they are. This doesn’t mean you can’t encourage a friend or partner to grow and change. But you don’t live in illusion, imagining this person to be what you want them to be. It’s not about judgment. It’s about honesty.

I tend to be optimistic about people. I imagine each new acquaintance I meet will be a life-time confidante and loyal, caring friend, a person I will be able to count on and have a history with (I know, I’m freaking out a lot of people right now!). The truth is that there are not a lot of people that are necessarily suited to be that kind of a friend to me, or are even deserving of that kind of position. But I don’t like to believe that. So when a person shows me, through word or action, that they are self-centered, or unreliable, or unkind, I often choose to ignore it without even realizing it.

Maybe it’s hard to recognize because I always want to hope for the best. That it was a one time occurrence. People make mistakes all the time. They can be thoughtless or inconsiderate. A person can believe themselves to be a great friend and their actions or words may be misinterpreted. It doesn’t mean they are fundamentally bad.

I have to remind myself that it’s not about judging a person. It’s about knowing them. If a person shows me something about themselves that I know to be a characteristic that will constantly cause me grief or rub me the wrong way I should be honest enough with myself to recognize that. I can know that some people are not the best choices for my friends. It doesn’t mean they aren’t excellent people or good friends to others with different personalities.

I suppose this is all indicative of my very egotistical belief that I am “right” and everyone not like me is “wrong”. I really need to get over myself. Because this is a lesson I really want to learn. Not only will it help me make good choices about friends in the future, but it will help me know and love the people with whom I already have relationships better because when they show me layers of their personalities, fundamental things about themselves, I will believe them. It feels good to be known for who you are.

It comes down to worrying about changing myself and not others and the wisdom to hear and see what people are telling others about themselves at every moment of the day.