On the nights that you want to be held and rocked to sleep I am sometimes tempted to let the frustration flood my psyche. It is so easy to go to that anxiety-filled place where you and I were, together,  just a few short months ago.  That time when you didn’t just want me – you needed me. You couldn’t cope, couldn’t settle on your own.  But tonight you just wanted me.

The reality is that it is an increasingly rare moment when you want nothing more than your mama and when you lay in my arms, peaceful and happy.  When you snuggle close and turn my face to look in your eyes, even though it’s dark, I am undone.  I can do nothing but inhale your sweet baby-scent and wish that I could remember you like this forever.  I know that I can’t hold this image very long. It will be a lingering apparition, always in the shadows, that I will try to conjure as the years pass.  But it will never appear as clearly as this moment.

When I look at you I try to picture what your man-face will look like in 15 years.  Then I try not to picture it.  I don’t want to waste this moment. Because what I want more than anything is to be able to see this sweet and innocent baby when I look at you today, tomorrow, twenty years from now.  The child who has no more hurt in his life than when his mama scolds or puts him to bed without an extra kiss and cuddle. So thank you for that moment. It will always be precious to me.  I hope it haunts me forever.