Dear Kieran,

I have reviewed your list of demands and have some of my own thoughts to share.  In the spirit of compromise and a desire to come to a peaceful resolution in this conflict I have not addressed this letter to “the devil’s spawn”.  I hope you will appreciate the self-restraint this required.

Firstly, I must address your expectation of unlimited poops that shoot out of your diaper and down your pant leg or up the back of your shirt. I respectfully point out that the time required to clean you off and then scrub the poop stains out the affected articles of clothing is extremely time consuming.  Furthermore, this task must be performed immediately if the stains are to be removed completely.  This requires that I take my attention away from you for more than one second which is the limit you have deemed appropriate for any distraction of your Mother or Care Giver.  Therefore, I must propose that the number of poops per day remain unrestricted but that they are confined within the boundaries of the diaper area.

Secondly, your demands for no-food-whatsoever is clearly unreasonable.  I ask you to consider the long term effects of carrying out such a proposal.  If we can come to some kind of compromise in which you eat at least one good meal per day I will try and be satisfied.  Of course it must be understood that this meal will include food other than plain rice cereal.  Nursing, of course, will continue to be mandatory.  Your illegal strike has not gone unnoticed and I must inform you that if you continue this action we will be forced to take drastic measures.  The biting also crosses all legitimate forms of protest and must cease and desist immediately.  Failure to comply will result in beatings with a blunt object disciplinary action.

I do recognize that your sleeping has improved slightly in recent days and I appreciate your willingness to work with me to improve our night-time relationship.  I only hope that you will be willing to attempt to view this conflict from my perspective.  If you can agree to my proposal I will be happy to stop force-feeding you bananas to solidify your poop.  I also understand that you are going through a bout of teething and that this can be painful. It would be my pleasure to supply you with unlimited doses of Infant Tylenol and/or Advil.  But please remember that pretty much everyone in the history of the world has grown teeth and we have all survived the process.  At least, no one has died from teething that I KNOW OF.  You, too, will come through beautifully.  The process will go more smoothly if we can reach an agreement in regards to pooping and eating.  You can expect a much happier and more friendly Mother as we continue to work together through your Growing Up Years.

Regards,

Your Mother