A good reminder to us all about protecting the innocence in children and trying to recover our own softness. Thanks RLP.

Avery has decided that she NEEDS to wear these glasses 95% of all her waking hours at home.  She would wear them out of the house except that I have instilled in her a mortal fear of losing the glasses somewhere. 

It’s hard not to laugh out loud at her as she watches tv, plays with toys, reads books, eats dinner, throws tantrums and does everything with her spectacles.  

Please ignore the jagged bangs that her mother may or may not have cut with garden shears after a couple of beers. 

Avery has also finally begun to show an interest in dressing herself. I know many kids start this much earlier in life and I had counted myself lucky as I could continue to dress her like my own little doll and she would happily wear whatever I picked.   Explaining to a three year old that articles of clothing should “match” but clothing does not necessarily have to be the same color in order to “match” is exactly as easy as drinking the entire ocean in one gulp.  And try telling her why wearing a shiny, satiny dress
backwards over her clothes is not the epitome of fashion week in Paris? Forget it.  

I know some of you are thinking “Give the three year old a break!  Who cares what she wears as long as she’s happy?”  I am trying to let her wear what she wants at home and if it’s dreadfully hideous then changing just the shirt or the pants before we go out and giving her a better option.  I’m sorry. I’m just too anal to let her wear clothes that are completely mismatched. Call it three-year-old therapy. She’s slowly teaching me to be less uptight.

Remember the good old song “Down by the Bay” that you used to sing round after round of on your way to school field trips or around the campfire or whatever?  Well I was listening to it the other day.  Actually listening to the words.  I’ve gotta say I think that there were some serious mental health issues with the mother in the song.  If the child in the song is afraid to go home to his mother because she spouts nonsense then I must ask how severe is her Schizophrenia or Multiple Personality Disorder? 

Down by the bay,
Where the watermelons grow,
Back to my home,
I dare not go.
For if I do,
My mother will say…

Did you ever see a whale with a polka dot tail?
Did you ever see a moose kissing a goose?
Did you ever see a lama wearing pajamas?
Lalalalalalala Lalalalalalala

…Down by the bay!

We are back in that special area of hell called “Teething”.  In fact, I’m not sure we ever left.  It hardly seems possible that teeth could be so close to errupting through the gums without pushing through in a one month period. 

Because this is how I will remember the month of January 2007.  The month that Kieran’s teeth DIDN’T come. 

I feel sorry for the child but when you are tired and frustrated you have to ask, is it so wrong to shake the baby and shriek “Stop acting like such a baby!!!!!”***  It’s going to be a long next year if it takes him this long to get each of his teeth.  Someone should invent a laser that would incinerate teeth before they grow in.  We could just get itty bitty little dentures for him.  Wouldn’t that be adorable?  It would also solve the whole biting-while-nursing problem.  I’m a genius!

***Relax!  I would never shake my baby.  At least not hard.

So we were at our local mall yesterday and I noticed that there were “Canadian Idol” banners up everywhere.  I thought this was strange because I couldn’t imagine there would be enough room anywhere in the mall for them to hold auditions there.  But I did a little googling and, to my surprise, the Saskatoon auditions are indeed being held at Market Mall. 

There are two reasons this is weird.  One is the space issue, as I mentioned.  The second, and more compelling is that Market Mall serves two very specific demographics.  1) Old people.  2)  Mothers with small children.  The only time anything resembling a teenager appears in the mall is over the lunch hour when the students for the local high school drop in to pick up some lunch.  But on a normal day you will see 50 senior citizens for every teenager.  The big draw for us in the mommy-crowd is the play area at the food court and the ability to do grocery shopping or errands and still give our kids the opportunity to play without having to drive all over the city.  It’s nice to keep it all under one roof. 

So anyway, I find it slightly bizarre that they would choose this mall to hold the auditions for a primarily teenage/young adult crowd in this mall. But maybe there’s a method to their madness.  Who knows.

My son appears to have accepted my proposals, at least for the time being.  So I will proceed to post a cute picture of him.

Like many other Saskatonians, I was drawn by the brand spankin’ new Walmart south of the city yesterday.  I know, I am weak.  I am the stereotypical North American, attracted to shiny objects and vast expanses of concrete and items for sale. 

I hope those of my friends who are skeptical about Walmart will not hate me. *cough* JB! *cough*  Anyway, it was busy, as expected.  The traffic was crazy getting in there because the new overpass has not been constructed yet.  I expect people will get increasingly annoyed until the city bites the bullet and does whatever it takes to finish it this summer/fall.  It was pretty much like any other Walmart I’ve ever been in.  I felt that the aisles were a bit wider than average. Maybe it was my imagination. The only really annoying thing is that this place is set up differently than the most recent Walmart built in Saskatoon.  Not exactly a mirror image, but definitely close.  This is irritating because SOME people (read: ME) get confused and spend hours wandering around looking for the hardware section.  Walmart could make the shopping experience at their stores sooo much more efficient by having a standard set up and always putting the damn entrance on the same side.  But anyway, that’s just my opinion.

A goofy site that I came across.  Find out who you were in your “past life”.

Your past life diagnosis:

---

I don’t know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Thailand around the year 1375. Your profession was that of a sailor or shoemaker.

---

Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Inquisitive, inventive, you liked to get to the very bottom of things and to rummage in books. Talent for drama, natural born actor.

---

The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
Your lesson is to learn discretion and moderation and then to teach others to do the same. Your life will be happier if you help those who lack reasoning.

---

Do you remember now?

Dear Kieran,

I have reviewed your list of demands and have some of my own thoughts to share.  In the spirit of compromise and a desire to come to a peaceful resolution in this conflict I have not addressed this letter to “the devil’s spawn”.  I hope you will appreciate the self-restraint this required.

Firstly, I must address your expectation of unlimited poops that shoot out of your diaper and down your pant leg or up the back of your shirt. I respectfully point out that the time required to clean you off and then scrub the poop stains out the affected articles of clothing is extremely time consuming.  Furthermore, this task must be performed immediately if the stains are to be removed completely.  This requires that I take my attention away from you for more than one second which is the limit you have deemed appropriate for any distraction of your Mother or Care Giver.  Therefore, I must propose that the number of poops per day remain unrestricted but that they are confined within the boundaries of the diaper area.

Secondly, your demands for no-food-whatsoever is clearly unreasonable.  I ask you to consider the long term effects of carrying out such a proposal.  If we can come to some kind of compromise in which you eat at least one good meal per day I will try and be satisfied.  Of course it must be understood that this meal will include food other than plain rice cereal.  Nursing, of course, will continue to be mandatory.  Your illegal strike has not gone unnoticed and I must inform you that if you continue this action we will be forced to take drastic measures.  The biting also crosses all legitimate forms of protest and must cease and desist immediately.  Failure to comply will result in beatings with a blunt object disciplinary action.

I do recognize that your sleeping has improved slightly in recent days and I appreciate your willingness to work with me to improve our night-time relationship.  I only hope that you will be willing to attempt to view this conflict from my perspective.  If you can agree to my proposal I will be happy to stop force-feeding you bananas to solidify your poop.  I also understand that you are going through a bout of teething and that this can be painful. It would be my pleasure to supply you with unlimited doses of Infant Tylenol and/or Advil.  But please remember that pretty much everyone in the history of the world has grown teeth and we have all survived the process.  At least, no one has died from teething that I KNOW OF.  You, too, will come through beautifully.  The process will go more smoothly if we can reach an agreement in regards to pooping and eating.  You can expect a much happier and more friendly Mother as we continue to work together through your Growing Up Years.

Regards,

Your Mother

Infant, aged seven months, free to good any home.  Eats heartily occasionally, sleeps through the night from time to time, friendly cranky disposition, never frequently bites, potty-trained craps himself every ten minutes.

Any takers?

  
Avery (2004)                                                  Kieran (2007)