Tonight, as I sat reading Avery a bedtime story and holding Kieran on my lap I had this surreal feeling. “Are these really my kids? Am I really sitting here with these two precious babies who are telling me they love me in their own ways?” It felt good to have them there and I felt really content. It’s a good feeling. Cuddling my kids is good therapy for the thoughts weighing on my mind recently.
I’ve been in a weird mood lately. I feel like my life has gotten more “gray” in the last few months, if that’s possible. I’m going through a time of frustration and searching. I’ve always been very involved in our church but my personal spirituality has been evolving and changing. The usefulness of all the Christian ritual is lost on me. I don’t want to throw myself into the “worship” and “bible studies” in order to create a feeling. I doubt the ability of these rituals to really connect with the authentic spirit of God. I feel like people have so stretched, twisted and abused the bible that I no longer feel like I can trust it. Too many have made it say what they want it to say or argue that it is all completely true and seem not to be troubled by the many troubling parts of scripture that I don’t even want to confront my doubt anymore. It feels easier to ignore these unnerving questions. God exists. I believe this and I feel it is logical and right. I just wish I could figure out how to go about knowing Him.
October 11th, 2006 at 9:12 am
Once again, great looking kids! Kieran is adorable.
I can understand your spiritual struggle. After being very involved in the church in my high school years, then attending Bible school before college, I look back and remember that time. Faking a feeling just isn’t right. Going through the actions because you know that is what you are supposed to do. I don’t know what the answer is.
Wendy
October 11th, 2006 at 9:59 am
Yeah, I agree. And I don’t even really feel complelled to go through the motions. My big problem (I think) is that I know longer believe that people (Christians) really know what they’re talking about when they talk about God. I know they believe they know what they’re talking about but there is a big difference. My Christian friends are some of the dearest and most loving and supportive friends and I know that most of them wouldn’t judge me for feeling this way. But they also couldn’t relate to my feelings. That is kind of lonely. It sounds like you and I have a very simlar background: high school youth group, bible college, then life after.
I love my church community and I love the commraderie of being involved in it and the was, big and little, that it makes a difference in people’s lives. But I do feel kind of hypocritical for participating when I am struggling with these issues. On the other hand, if someone were to come to me and express that feeling I would tell them that this community should be a safe place to question and there’s nothing wrong with taking your time to figure things out. Even if it takes years. So I guess I should have a little more grace for myself.