Feb 24

We were at the playground the other day and Avery got into an argument with another little girl. Both girls were insisting that they were two years old. All I heard was “I’m two!” and “No, I’m two!”. It went on like this for some time. Avery was very distressed by this and kept coming over to me to tell me that this obviously unstable girl was saying she is two years old. I tried to explain to her that the little girl is the same age as her but she was not willing to accept this. I can just see her frustration when she starts school and is faced with twenty kids who are the same age as her!

Feb 22

No, I haven’t forgotten to finish off the entry about “Hey Nostradamus”. I just don’t have time right now to write the whole thing up. But I have to comment on the latest in frustrating pregnancy symptoms. I believe I’m going to start needing a blood transfusion every time I brush my teeth because my gums are bleeding so much. And no, for those of you who are apalled at my apparently poor dental hygiene, I do not have gingivitis. It is a normal reaction to pregnancy for a woman’s gums to bleed because the body has 50% more blood than it normally has so blood vessels get swollen and, therefore, you bleed more easily. But it’s getting ridiculous. Isn’t that a lovely and cheerful picture to start your morning?

According to the Old Wives Tales quiz I took this morning I am likely having a girl. This is in direct contradiction to the penis we saw on two different ultrasounds. Hmm…

Feb 11

While I was away  I finished reading “Hey Nostradamus!” by Douglas Coupland and I found there were a lot of thoughts in this book that really caught my attention, whether or not I agreed with them. The book describes a Columbine-type school shooting that takes place in Vancouver in the 80′s and a teenage girl who is killed in the shooting.

The girl is kind of a typical teenager who has become a generic zealous Christian but has experienced some disillusionment with her faith as she observes the narrow-minded judgment of her “Christian friends”. This girl, Cheryl, has secretly married her boyfriend, Jason, and much of the story revolves around the two of them. The book is divided into four parts, each written by a different character. One by Cheryl, one by Jason, one by Heather who is Jason’s girlfriend years after the school shooting, and Reg who is Jason’s extremely religious father.

This book has a lot of interesting reflections on Christianity and I find it strange to hear Coupland writing about this topic because, although some of his other books have a spiritual undertone, he doesn’t usual approach the topic of a specific faith. But he writes about it as though he has had an experience with the types of Christians he describes. And I think a lot of the things that Cheryl and Jason say could possibly be his opinion about these people. I don’t know if that’s what he intended but I wonder…

Anyway, this isn’t meant to be a book review (although I do recommend the book) but rather my exploration of lines that made me think and/or challenged me or resonated with me. So here are the things I noticed:

  • “Truth be told, I wanted everything those kids had, but I wanted it by playing the game correctly. This meant legally and religiously and – this is the part that was maybe wrong – I wanted to outsmart the world.  I had, and continue to have, a nagging suspicion that I used the system simply to get what I wanted. Religion included. Does that cancel out whatever goodness I might have inside me?” (p. 7)  These lines were written from the perspective of Cheryl, the shooting victim, but I believe they could very easily have been written by my teenage self and many other people who claim faith in the Christian God.  I have always been a person who played by the rules. I never skipped school, I never did drugs, I never smoked a cigarette. I don’t say this to prove how “good” I am but to remind myself that, if I am truly honest, the reason I didn’t do those things may have been because I was afraid of getting caught and because I am not, by nature, a rule-breaker rather than because I was concerned with being good.  I think that everyone has the desire for some things and they just go about getting them in different ways.  We all want a high and some people use drugs and others use religion.  We all want sex and some people go ahead and have sex when the opportunity arises and others wait until they are married, or (like Jason and Cheryl) get married really young because then they can have sex “legitimately”.  I don’t think that my faith was not real or is hypocritical because deep down I want the same things that everyone else wants. I think that Christians can really deceive themselves about their motivation for doing things.  I’d like to be more honest with myself because while I’m not sure what I believe about God, I think that any God I could believe in would prefer honesty to false piety anyway.  I think it would have benefited my teenage self to ask more often if I was using my faith to get what I wanted and still make it sound holy.  I don’t think that wanting things cancels out goodness. It simply forces us to see more clearly how much actual “goodness” we had all along. It’s still worth asking myself.
  • “I’m not sure if I used god or He used me,  but the result was the same. In the end, we are judged by our deeds, not our wishes. We’re the sum of our decisions.” (p. 16)  This is another line from Cheryl and it follows closely on what she was saying in the above quote.  I haven’t really decided whether I agree on her suggestion that it is only our deeds and not our wishes that God is concerned with.  If I do the right thing for the wrong reason something tells me I’ve missed out on something. But I’m not really sure.  That was just my initial reaction to her statement.  But it was the part about using God that really struck me.  Do I use God? Can I use God?  I don’t know.  But the possibility scares the shit out of me.
  • “A bland smile is like a green light at an intersection – it feels good when you get one, but you forget it the moment you’re past it.” (p. 24)  This is Cheryl describing her expression of choice in high school and, again, it sound like me in a lot of ways.  Her reason for affecting this expression were so that she wouldn’t have to interact with people in her school and i realized that I do that all the time.  And I don’t like that I do it.  I don’t want to be totally forgettable, but I also don’t want to be remembered for being annoying or awkward.  I feel uncomfortable interacting with people I am not really familiar with and in the end,  I’d rather be forgotten than socially inept.
  • “It always seemed to me that people who’d discovered religion had both lost and gained something. Outwardly, they’d gained calmness, confidence and a look of pupose, but what they’d lost was a certain willingness to connect with unconverted couls.  Looking a convert in the eyes was like trying to make eye contact with a horse.  They’d be alive and breathing, but they woulnd’t be a hundred percent there anymore.  They’d left the day-to-day world and joined the realm of eternal time.”  (p. 27)  This is a frightenly accurate statement. Who could read that and say “I want to be like that.”?  Is it possible to believe in a God and not loseWeight Exercise your humanness?  Is it possible to loseWeight Exercise your humanity?  I really believe that a faith that does not affect change in a person’s world and that causes them to loseWeight Exercise compassion and kindness and a focus on their community (rather than becoming judgmental and cold) is a perversion of the true nature of faith.  Are Christians so fearful that we retreat into a vacant stare to avoid the challenge of caring for people?  This really challenged me.
  • “There can be an archness, a meanness in the lives of the saved, an intolerance that can color their view of the weak and of the lost. It can make them hard when they ought to be listening, judgmental when they ought to be contrite.” (p. 28)  Again, I would rather live outside of faith altogether than come across this way.  It is a fair description of many Christians. But it shouldn’t be.  
  •  “…nothing makes a person less special than conversion – it…universalizes you.” (p. 32)  I have to say that I fundamentally disagree with this.  I mean I don’t believe conversion to a religion can “universalize” you any more than anything else about this life.  In some ways we are all exactly the same, no matter what we do.  In some ways I think conversion individualizes a person because it can be an individual connection to something outside yourself.  Of course, this is the same special connection that millions of others have had throughout history. So it is and it isn’t special.  We are and we aren’t exactly like every other person in the world.  It’s kind of a paradox.
  • “…I think in the end it’s maybe best to keep your doubts private.  Saying them aloud cheapens them – makes them a bunch of words just like everybody else’s bunch of words.” (p.33)  Yes. ….And no.  I’m not sure what I think.  But it’s one of those statements that inspires reflection.
  • “To acknowledge God is to fully accept the sorrow of the human condition.” (p. 41)  I think this is true. And yet, I think to deny God might also mean you have to accept the sorrow of the human condition as well.  I guess a lot just depends on your philosophy of the nature of humanity.  Acknowledging God means accepting sorrow but the gift I have gotten in return for that acceptance is hope.
  • “For what it’s worth, I think God is how you deal with everything that’s out of your own control. It’s as good a definition as any.” (p. 52) This is from Jason’s perspective.  His definition connects with me, where I’m at.

This is getting long so I think I’ll finish with it tomorrow and post what I have this far right now. 

[Edit: I never did do the second part of this post.  Oops!]

Feb 6

This morning I watched the ceremony in which Stephen Harper was sworn in as Canada’s 22nd Prime Minister. Stephen Harper has always seemed just slightly less than human to me. Not in a monstrous way. He just seems so bland and expressionless which makes him just a tiny bit creepy.

But this morning, as he entered the room where he officially became Prime Minister, I saw a different man. On his face I saw an expression that said “Holy Crap! I’m going to be Prime Minister!!!” He looked giddy and excited and a tiny bit nervous and completely petrified all at once. It was totally endearing and I think that in those moments, as he waited to take office, he won my allegiance.

Does it sound like I’m talking about him like a puppy? I hope not. It’s just that I always thought that Jack Leighton and Paul Martin both had a certain likeability factor. Maybe it’s because they just seem more real. Maybe Harper’s detachment will make him a better PM but I think that if I were voting between the three leaders, he would be hard to vote for simply because he is hard to relate to. I don’t know. But I appreciated seeing a bit of humanity this morning and that’s really all I needed to know. It is comforting to know that our new leader is a real person with actual feelings and it was gratifying to see his excitement over this new job shine through just for a minute. Congratulations Prime Minister Harper.

Feb 6

I’m still out in Saskatchetario Manitoba and still sick. It has been good to be out here because I have no responsibilities or things I “should” be doing so I can get lots of rest. But I sure am feeling crappy. I miss cold medication! On a positive note, it appears that the baby has finally woken up. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing but I am feeling him a lot more now. Especially in the evenings. It is very exciting to recognize there is a living person in there.

I have had lots of time to cozy up with another Douglas Coupland book called “Hey Nostradamus” which has been pretty good so far. There have been a lot of lines that really caught my attention so I have been busily underlining and I intend to post about them when I finish the book.

Feb 3

So I am in Manitoba visiting my parents with my daughter. I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time. Getting away can be good for the soul. Unfortunately, I’ve come down with a cold/flu and am feeling totally crappy. At least there is satellite tv to keep me company in my misery. And Barney videos for the little monster. :) I am just thoroughly annoyed with my body’s poor timing.  And I just realized that I forgot a book at home that I needed to take with me because I needed to read it for my class the day after I get back. I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it through 300 pages in the 24 hours between my arrival home and my class. Stupid placenta brain! I am getting dumber every second!

Feb 2

I finished read “Eleanor Rigby” by Douglas Coupland the other day. I haven’t read anything by him in a while and I actually enjoyed it quite a bit, although I’ll admit I had to look up the lyrics to the Beatles’ song of the same name in order to understand the significance of the title. I’m just not the audiophile my husband is.

All in all I’d say the book was worth the read. But there was something about the main character that didn’t sit right with me. I think that it may be because the main character was a woman and she was created by a man. Of course, I’m not saying that authors can not create authentic characters of the opposite gender. However, I felt like I had a hard time identifying with this female character. Now could that be because her life was very different from mine? I suppose it might be difficult for me to identify with a single woman in her mid-thirties who is exceedingly lonely. But I didn’t feel like that was what didn’t sit right. It seemed like she was what a man would imagine a lonely woman would be like. Her personality and her attitude toward the world just didn’t seem entirely “female” to me.

I have tried to examine why I felt that way. Do I have preconceived notions of what femininity is or how a woman should think or feel? Probably. But I tried really hard to leave those aside and I just didn’t feel like this woman sounded like any woman I’ve ever encountered. It’s very possible there are women like her out there and that my experience is very limited to women who are similar to me. But no matter how I look at it, there was just this undefinable “something” that wasn’t quite believable about her. Nonetheless, I did enjoy reading it and would recommend it. I’d like to hear what other women think about “Liz Dunn”.