As I look forward to making the switch to an insulin pump, hopefully within the next month, I thought it would be worth looking back on my journey thus far as a diabetic. I feel like this upcoming change is the most significant improvement in my diabetic care that I have been able to make in twelve and a half years with this disease and it seems that some reflection is in order.

The diagnosis:
When I look back on the twelve year old girl that I was at the time of my first diagnosis I am actually surprised by my fearlessness. I don’t recall crying or being angry. I was a little bit intimidated but I think I handled it with a strength that was almost outside myself. In fact, I really believe it was supernatural, because I actually diagnosed myself before a doctor diagnosed me. And really, what twelve year old pays enough attention to realize that symptoms they have match the major symptoms of a serious illness? I’ve never totally understood how I was able to discern this for myself but I think that maybe God was giving me a grace period, a time to adjust emotionally and mentally to the changes I knew would come in my life when I was diagnosed by a doctor. Perhaps that is why I didn’t react very emotionally when I was in the hospital.

The balance game:
I learned the juggling act that is the diabetic routine and even though my parents learned it along with me, I really felt like I took responsibility for my disease right from the beginning. It was, at that time, a heavy load. Diabetes was treated differently then than it is now. It was much more about rules and couting, carbohydrates and units of insulin and restrictions. As I managed my diabetes over the years I learned how to make the rules work for me. I learned how to eat sweets and compensate with insulin. I now feel that I was almost a step ahead of my time because they now treat diabetes very much the same way. Eating junk food is no worse for a diabetic than a “normal person”, it’s just a matter of balancing it with proper insulin requirements.

Teenage angst:
There were times as a teenager when I was annoyed by the restrictions in my life. Not being able to sleep in was a particularly big deal. Having to always be responsible and make sure that I was watching my blood sugar levels and eating when I needed to. But to be honest, a lot of those things are the same things that cause me frustration to this day. I have moments when I just don’t want to do this anymore. I ask why this happened to me and why I always have to be “on”. When I wanted to get pregnant and had to go through months of planning with a team of people before we even began to try to conceive I raged about why it had to be so complicated when it seemed that all my friends had no problems. I know this is not true. Everyone I know has problems. I could be in many many situations that are far more serious, restrictive and frustrating than what I face. And when I reflect on this I know that I am truly blessed. Just one hundred years ago I would have died. Today I can live a fulfilling and generally healthy life.

A cure:
When my pediatrician diagnosed me with diabetes she told me she believed there would be a cure for diabetes by the time I was 35 yeasr old. At the time that seemed far away. But I continue to cling to that age and every year it gets closer and I wonder if this is something that is actually within the realm of reality. I am now 25. There is lots of promising research out there but so far nothing that will “fix” the problem. But it seems that every time a new and promising “cure” is written about in the paper it is still years away from human testing. Then I never hear anything else about it. The people that get to participate in the groundbreaking studies on diabetes cures are always suffering from severe diabetic complications. They never seem to use people like me who are getting along ok and aren’t falling apart yet. I will continue to hope. It seems realistic to hope for a cure in my lifetime. The sooner it comes, the better. And when I am cured the first thing I would like to do is sleep for 24 hours straight with no interruptions.

The scary stuff:
I had a post a month ago about going into insulin shock. That was the scariest thing that has happened to me involving my diabetes. I hate that out of control feeling. When I consider the possibility that my body may start to rebel against my best efforts to control my disease I must confess I have some fear. I don’t want to face kidney failure, heart disease and many other frightening problems. Again, I get angry sometimes and tell God it’s not fair. But then I also realize that other people who have been healthy their whole lives get sick and die, too. I need to be aware of my own mortality and embrace it. It’s part of my humanity and that uncertainty should prompt me to live my life with passion and excitement and compassion for others.

My children:
I have this fear that my kids will develop diabetes. They would have a slightly increased risk of the disease because it does seem to run in families somewhat (I have an aunt with Juvenile Diabetes). I fear that if this scenario were to take place I would be crushed under the weight of my guilt. But at the same time I know that there are no guarantees in this life. Like I said before, healthy people can get sick, and people who you expect to be sick can turn out fine.

What I have learned:
Being a diabetic has taught me a lot of discipline. Routine has been key to my control. But it has also taught me to learn to be flexibile and that sometimes the rules can be bent a little bit. It has taught me to take an active role in my health and to have faith in my body. But most of all it has taught me to be thankful for the blessing of being healthy and for life itself. I try to appreciate the fact that I live in a country with good health care and where I can see doctors who take care of me. I was able to have a child with few problems where many women cannot conceive at all, diabetes or not. I have a supportive husband and family who love me through the hard times and are looking forward to a better future with me. Truly I am a lucky woman and I am thankful for the lessons I am learning through my struggle with this disease.