I know a number of women who are expecting their first babies in the next several months. It is always funny talking to someone who is expecting their first because women who have children derive this evil
pleasure out of trying to scare the crap out of new moms by sharing each gory detail of their pregnancy, labour, delivery and anything that might have gone wrong or caused them grief once they had their new
infant at home. We don’t mean to do it. We just can’t help it. I guess maybe we are just proud of ourselves for enduring what was really difficult, or we are trying to make a common experience sound worse than it was so that we can feel better about ourselves. It isn’t nice and I’m trying not to do it so much.

But there are some real bits of advice that I wish I could give these new moms but that I know they either won’t understand until they actually have their baby, or won’t believe because deep down we all believe that our baby will be perfect and that they we will bounce back into life after the birth with tonnes of energy and excitement at all the new challenges motherhood has to offer. So I’m posting them here because I just wanted to get them out.

Dear new mother,

There are some things I want to tell you but can’t, for fear of spoiling your joy at your up and coming new baby or filling you with apprehension.  Here they are:

• Sometimes you will think you’ve made a huge mistake in becoming a parent. Don’t worry, this feeling will pass and you aren’t a bad person for feeling it. Everyone does at one point or another.

• Don’t doubt your instinct. Although all new mothers can very easily tip over the edge of paranoia, you do have a certain amount of instinct and if you think something is wrong with your baby and your doctor
dismisses you, see someone else. You know your baby better than anyone else and just because it is your first baby, it doesn’t mean you don’t recognize when something is not right.

• Have patience with yourself. Some days you won’t shower until the evening, or at all. You may not accomplish anything other than feeding and changing the baby. That’s ok. Learning to be a mother is exhausting and if you do nothing else, you kept your baby alive for one more day. That, in itself is a feat of monumental proportions.

• Your body will never be the same again. I know you smile at me when I say this and deep down you believe that you will get your old figure back. But even if you lose all the weight, you will not be the same.
Things will move and change, other things will sag and droop and stretch. You will learn to hide this and go on. Your husband will not think any less of you. And I promise you that it really is worth it.

• Breastfeeding can be excrutiatingly hard at first, both physically and emotionally. Don’t give up. It gets better. I PROMISE it gets better.

• If you think you might be going through postpartum depression, you probably are. Don’t let it go. Talk to your doctor. Just because it’s not unendurable doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get some help, whether in the form of a support group or medication or both. 

• Your husband can and should help, in the day, the night, whenever you need it. Don’t ever tell yourself that the baby is your responsibility because he was at work all day. You have been at work all day, too. You
just may not have left the house. But it was challenging and exhausting and the two of you will just have to help each other out. That’s what partnership is all about.

• Your baby will cry. Maybe a little, maybe a lot. It may push you to the edge of your sanity. It may make you behave in ways you never would normally. You just might get that colicky baby, and if you do, again, I
promise it settles down eventually. It seems like a long time when you’re in the midst of it but at some point it will be only a memory.

Motherhood may be the most guilt-laden profession in the world. You will feel guilty for doing things to, or for, your child or not doing the very same things. You can beat yourself up like crazy when you look back and realize that you helped your child form bad habits like needing a soother when they’re still 18 months old (I speak from experience). But you are doing the best you can. You will make mistakes. But you will be fine and so will your baby. Don’t allow the guilt to gnaw at you. It will waste the precious little time that you
have with your baby. You really won’t believe how fast it goes. But I guess you’ll soon see all this for yourself. Good luck!