Dear Son,

I doubt you’ll remember it but I think I’ll always remember climbing into your bed tonight to snuggle with you when you were having trouble falling asleep. We lay there quietly for a few moments and then you started to giggle and I tried to resist but soon I was giggling too and before we knew it we were both laughing so hard the tears were streaming down our faces and our bellies were aching.

I asked you what you were laughing at and you said “My brains are telling me jokes” and it was just one of those moments that will stick with me. Maybe not the words, but certainly the sentiment. You are so full of simple joy, son. It is infectious and refreshing and I hope that joy stays with you and sustains you always.

Love,
Your Mother

1 Comment »

My friends, I was overcome! Overcome, I tell you! I found this tutorial to make no-sew tutu and I couldn’t resist because not only is it the cutest thing EVER, it is also the easiest thing ever! A project that appeals to both my vanity and my laziness all wrapped up in a quick and fantastic craft that made my daughter ecstatic. The result:

Tadaaa!!!!

Couldn’t you just die?

A close-up. There are some ribbons to spice it up a bit.

Truly, this project was so easy I may start making them as gifts for other little girls we know. I had enough left over from the first one to make a slightly smaller one. I think I could make a lovely one with less tulle than I used in the first tutu – I packed the tulle really tight so it would be extra poofy, but even half of what I put on would probably still make a sufficiently poofy skirt. So there you have it. You have the recipe for a fast, easy and relatively inexpensive craft that is guaranteed to make a little girl in your life happy. You’re welcome!

Avery, martha moments | 2 Comments »

Not too long ago I was overcome with the need to do something crafty. The compulsion to craft comes and goes with me but when it happens it must not be denied. It has taken many forms (because I am unable to fully commit to any specific form of crafting) over the years and most recently I decided to take my sewing machine out for a test drive.

I have had my sewing machine since my Oma passed away 8 years ago. But it has only been used occasionally and very infrequently for genuine sewing projects. The machine is easily 50 years old and it punished me for neglecting it by chewing up thread and spitting it out in a tangled disaster that could not really be called “sewing”. Before Christmas I was contemplating how much longer I could keep the old girl around when she was no longer co-operating with me. But I was told that old machines could often be salvaged with a simple tune-up.

Lo and behold the old girl is back and she works like a charm. So when I was compelled to direct my creative juices towards a specific project, I decided to attempt to sew a dress for Avery. Can you believe the arrogance?? Because I can sew a straight line I thought that I somehow possessed the ability to decipher the ridiculously complicated hieroglyphics in a sewing pattern and somehow translate that into an actual garment! Complete madness!!!

I started out all peppy and excited about the project and managed to assemble all the right materials despite a very much less than helpful fabric store clerk who insisted I needed less material than I had interpreted according to the back of the pattern. After I explained sloooowly half a dozen times, what was clearly shown on the pattern I was able to get what I needed (Dear Fabricland Clerk, YOU are supposed to KNOW what you are DOING!!! Thanks for nothing!).

After bringing all the materials home I did just exactly what you would expect. I got right to work like a busy little beaver I shoved it all in a cupboard and ignored it for several weeks.

I did eventually muster up the guts to open up the pattern. After looking it over for a bit I concluded I needed an engineering or architecture degree to decipher the directions. So I did just exactly what you would expect. I studied the directions until I figured out how to begin I shoved it all back in the cupboard again.

After some time and several handfuls of xanax I was able to fudge my way through and although I think it probably wasn’t completed quite according to the specifications (how is it possible for a simple dress like this to have twenty pieces???), it turned out all right.

Avery questions my choice of fabrics, she’s not sure if they “match” but accepted it because it is primarily pink and she can’t resist pink. What do you think?

The hubby says it reminds him of the dresses Maria sews from curtains for the Von Trapp children in The Sound of Music. I’m not sure yet if this is a compliment or criticism.

And now the sewing machine and I are going to take a little break from each other and see if we still want to work together in a few months. Or maybe next winter. We’ll see how long it takes.

Avery, martha moments, sewing | 7 Comments »

We’ve been slowly but surely wading through the adoption paperwork and all in all it was moving along pretty smoothly. But now we have hit the first wave of speedbumps (related to red tape and a lack of psychiatric professionals in this province – we require signatures from a psychiatrist to confirm our mental health) and I have to say, it’s frustrating. No big revelation there.

I don’t want or plan for this blog to become all about adoption.  But right now it’s a significant portion of my life and is overwhelmingly in the forefront of my thoughts as we prepare the documents we need to send across the ocean. I haven’t been writing much because I don’t want to write the same things over and over and because I don’t have a whole lot to say. But the blog isn’t forgotten. Thank you to those of you who continue to read even when the material is sparse.

adoption | 2 Comments »

Dear Control Freaks of the World,

After a recent roadtrip which included multiple trips to McDonalds I have realized that many of you congregate at your local Golden Arches. I’m not sure why. I would have thought people such as yourselves would have higher standards, but whatever. The point is, your attempts to subvert the accepted line structure at fast food establishments are totally obnoxious.

McDonalds is set up with a system. A system which customers are expected to follow. It’s simple, really. The restaurants generally have several lanes which may or may not be staffed. When you enter the restaurant you are expected to pick a line. You may or may not pick the fastest line and you pretty much suffer the consequences of your choice. Pick the line where the newest pimply, hungover teenaged employee is struggling to enter orders into the computer and you end up waiting a long time. Guess what? That’s life.

The fact that you may draw the short straw does not give you the right to commandeer all the lineups and force all your fellow patrons to get in one line to advance as a cashier becomes available. You may wish that’s the way it worked, but you may or may not have heard that you can’t always get what you want. True story. I looked it up.

You should be faced with the irrationality of your behaviour when you have to explain your line-up philosophy to every person who walks in the door while passing moral judgment on everyone who challenges your authority, lest each person try to avoid your long lineup and get in a different line, as would be LOGICAL. You should realize this is not the right course of action. But I recognize that your need for control has polluted all rational thought which is the only reason I’ve refrained from starting a fistfight during our several recent encounters, even though I am strongly convinced that a punch to the face would bring many of you back to reality.

Get over yourselves.

Love,
Shannon

rants | 6 Comments »

Dear Chosen Child,

This is the first of what may be many letters. The beginning of what will very likely be a long and excruciating and completely unconventional kind of pregnancy. We have been thinking and dreaming about adopting since before we had your brother and sister but only in the past few months have we begun actively proceeding towards that end. As we begin to discuss details and paperwork and plans I spend more and more time dreaming about you. And then it hit me…

You are very likely not even born yet. We expect to wait several years for a referral and with the age limit we have set, it is most likely you will be born in the next 6 to 18 months. We are planning for a child who has not yet been born to a mother who will eventually decide to give you up. Somewhere a woman is pregnant, or will be very soon. Somewhere she is, or will be, feeling and thinking…I don’t know what. I can’t pretend to know. But she is, or will be, carrying you. So I can’t help think about her and be grateful for her and hope that you will keep enough of her inside you to help answer the questions you will no doubt have some day.

Somewhere, you will be born this year. On a day I won’t know and a time I won’t realize. My heart hurts, knowing your dad and I won’t be there right from the start but that’s going to be a fact of our relationship. Your beginning will be special. You will touch other people’s lives before you touch ours. But you will be in our hearts from the beginning, before we know you.

Right now I feel somewhat overwhelmed by the paperwork involved in getting permission to wait for you. But the fact that this road will eventually lead to bringing you into our arms is giving me the motivation I need.

Meanwhile, I think of you and I think of the mother who will carry you in her body while I carry you in my heart. She and I are connected, and always will be. It is heartbreaking that for you to come into our family she will have to let you go. But it is beautiful, too. I promise you this, we won’t forget her.

Maybe it sounds like I have a romanticized view of this process. Believe me, I am doing my best to understand the realities of adopting. I know there will obstacles while we wait, challenges when we meet, hurdles as we bond. But I am choosing to believe that even though we are sacrificing witnessing the first few years of your life by taking this path, it will be worth it in the end to know you. I believe it will be worth it for you to be a part of our family.

Holding you in my heart until then,
Mommy

adoption, dear chosen child | 3 Comments »

I haven’t mentioned it yet but I’m happy to say that we have received our acceptance  from the Saskatchewan Ministry of Social Services to pursue adoption. It’s probably the most painless step of the whole process so not so much a big accomplishment as it is actual evidence that we are headed down this road for real now!

Our next step is an interview/meeting with our social worker which will happen in a few days. I am not totally sure what that meeting will entail. Talking through our adoption plan, discussing the homestudy, what else? I’m not clear. But after that meeting I think we will be cleared to begin the homestudy process which is a big part of the dossier we will send to our chosen country.  Now THAT I will be nervous about! Nothing like putting your whole life and family under a microscope!

In other news, Kieran seems to be coming to grips with his own mortality. Yes, that’s right. My three year old is having an existential crisis over the fact that he will die someday. Not everyone approaches teaching their kids about death in the same way. We have always taken a very honest, but age-appropriate approach.  Avery encountered death at a very early age when her uncle died of cancer. We explained the concept as best we could at a 2-year-old level. She listened, processed, discussed, and moved on.

But the perils of having an older sister well-informed about the concept of death means a certain three year old boy has been perhaps given information at a time and in a way that he was not prepared for. It almost certainly does not help that she told him the other day that if he watched too much tv his heart would stop beating! Nothing like a little Grim Reaper with your morning cartoons!

I’ll tell you one thing. Comforting a weeping child who is afraid of dying is no picnic. Thus far, distraction has proven to be the most effective technique. We discuss the things we’re going to do tomorrow, next week, and when he grows up. It’s the only thing that seems to work at this point. I’m sure time and maturity will help. Until then, we are trying to focus on life around here!

adoption, Kieran, life and death | No Comments »

Avery: Tells us something about a classmate bugging her.

The Hubby: “Well, you can’t control anyone except…”

Avery: “YourSELF! I KNOW Dad!”

Kieran: “And ROBOTS!”

funny, Kieran, quirky kids | 6 Comments »

Here we are, a couple weeks into the New Year and writing seems to be slipping away from me. There have been a variety of things going on including getting our first application off to the ministry of Social Services for the adoption. The first of many steps! Taking deep breaths now.

I have been researching preschools for the fall for Kieran and alternately being excited for him to take that step and freaking out because mah baybee is growing up! OMG!

Of course there is also the post-Christmas-dead-of-winter funk which I know I’m not alone in feeling. Tired of cold and winter parkas and lack of sunshine (although better than we’ve experienced in the past several winters in Ontario and Boston) and trying not to make myself feel better by stuffing my piehole with leftover Christmas goodies.

On top of all this I am realizing that we have almost hit the 6 month mark since we left Boston. After moving 3 times in 3 years I should have been better prepared for the 6 month blues. But I wasn’t. I thought it would be different because we were moving home. Each time we moved the first few months are hectic and confusing and stressful with trying to get settled and figure out a new place. Finding out where the grocery store is, getting set up with doctors and schools and dance classes and playgroups. It’s all very overwhelming. Six months is when things have settled into a routine and our lives calm down enough to start missing home. Or missing our last home, wherever that was. Because regardless of the location, it’s natural to miss what had become familiar and comfortable. And even though Saskatoon is familiar, our life here is, of course, different than it was before we left the city.  We live in a different neighbourhood, our kids are older and attend different (and more) activities than they did before, the hubby has a different job (and twice as many), and most importantly, we are different than we were.

Now that our life has calmed down I have enough time to have increasingly frequent twinges of longing for our most recent home. They come without warning, while driving down a street, while hanging out with friends, while at the store or the park or gymnastics class. It’s not that we are unhappy here or wish we hadn’t moved. But I am a creature of habit and I can’t help but long for routine. The familiar places and people here are awesome. It has made the move so much easier. But the last few years have also taught me to greatly appreciate new friends and wonderful experiences and opportunities that we have had elsewhere and while I wait for Saskatoon to once again feel completely like home (from my experience, this usually sets in around twelve months post-move) I am trying to remind myself to be patient.

It’s amazing how predictable this process is – at least for me. I shouldn’t be surprised. But I am. And the reality is that this is a different type of life entirely than what we were living in Boston. Both have their pros and cons. It’s easy to miss the good things and conveniently forget the difficult things and I am very aware that what I’m missing is partially selective memory. I know that six months from now I will very likely feel much more settled and content. It’s all part of the natural progression of feelings associated with such a big move.

So that’s where we’re at. Pre-adoption. Pre-preschool. Six month post-move blues.

2 Comments »

Here’s the thing: I think 2010 (and possibly the following couple of years) is going to be full of patience-trying obstacles and frustrating bureaucracy.  I’m trying to prepare myself because being ready for it takes away the initial sting if not the full ache.

And now I know some of you are totally scratching your heads and wondering what the hell I’m talking about. So here it is. 2010 is the year our family begins the journey of adoption. We have been discussing and planning for this for years.  We intended to start the process years ago but, as you know if you have been following me for a while, we started moving across the country, south to the states and there was no way for us to begin without being settled in a location for the foreseeable future. Well, now we are settled and have done our initial research in choosing a country and learning more about the process and we will be submitting our first application to the government in the next week or so. That is the beginning of the waiting.

The waiting is what I am both trying to prepare for and realizing there will be no preparing.  All you can do with waiting is try and distract yourself. But you still have to wait. You can expect to hear a lot about the waiting here.

I haven’t yet decided how much I am going to say about the process yet, or if I’m going to talk about the country we’ve chosen or other aspects of the journey. I may share all the details or only some. But I am really excited to finally be taking steps to bring a third child into our family and I wanted to post about it here.

And here are a few pictures from Christmas because I know everyone likes a little bling and I am not always good about posting pictures.

The tooth fairy FINALLY visited our house. Avery was thrilled!

And then the tooth fairy was back for a second tooth not long after. The tooth fairy is going to have to take out a line of credit. Avery is quickly learning that loosing teeth is a fairly lucrative business!

Avery’s look of horror upon opening the big box she thought contained a piano only to discover the wine glasses and umbrellas daddy had hidden inside.

The kids on Christmas Eve, dressed in their Christmas best. I love Kieran’s hat. My uncle called him Hinz Giesbrecht (a really menno sounding name) at our family gathering because he thought the hat was 100% old school German Mennonite. I still love it.

adoption, Christmas, waiting | 8 Comments »